我觉得我们应该多种点花 I think we should plant some flowers.
是吗 Oh, yeah?
你想种什么花呢 What kind of flowers are you thinking of?
我也不太清楚 栀子花吧 I don't know. Gardenias.
一些像这样的 适合在阳光下种的花 Something like that, that's good with the sun.
栀子花 那种略微发紫的 Gardenias? They're the purplish ones...
妈妈 我好无聊 Mom, I'm bored.
-带穗的那种花吗 -妈妈 我好无聊 - ...with the fringe? - Mom, I'm bored.
把手机给他 行吗 Just give him the phone, would you?
给他手机吗 Give him the phone?
对 给他手机他就闭嘴了 Yeah, I shut him up by giving him the phone.
太好了 Yes.
你从不在家 甚至没有回来过 You're never, ever even home.
我有去看家庭治疗师 I go to the family therapy sessions.
你还好意思说 How can you even say that?
你哪儿也没去过 You don't even go anywhere.
我去过家庭治 I go to the family...
天呐 我们在孩子面前争吵 God! We're fighting in front of Phil.
-明摆着的 -我们总是 - Obviously. - We're fighting
在孩子面前争吵 in front of the kid the whole time.
自己拿去玩 Knock yourself out.
你真的要让我 The whole time you allowed me
在他的面前吼你吗 to start yelling at you in front of him?
那我该怎么做 What am I supposed to do?
杰克茜
自动驾驶 汽车
嘿 大家 Hey, all.
文案部门的人在哪 Where's my list department?
举起手来 举起手来 Raise your hand. Raise your hand.
你们每天写出来的文章 Okay. You guys are supposed to write lists
都应该是要轰动互联网的 that break the Internet every day.
我们过气一天了 昨天到现在 We haven't gone viral since fucking yesterday.
昨天又不是很多天以前 Yesterday is not that many days ago.
别惹我 伙计 Don't fuck with me, bro.
我们叫话匣网 不叫空匣网 We're called Chatterbox, not Nobody-Clicks-On-Us Box.
那么 关于稿件 Okay, lists.
那个亚洲女孩 你能给我什么 Beautiful Asian girl, what do you got?
谢谢 我在 Thank you. Uh...
我在写《纸杯蛋糕过时的12个原因》 I am working on 12 reasons that cupcakes are over.
很好 我很喜欢 I likey. I likey like.
这就是行走的流量 That's clicky.
你 长着囚犯嘴唇的那个 你呢 You. Prison lips. What do you got?
叫我吗 That's me? Um...
我准备写一篇关于猫的文章 I was gonna write a list about cats
长得像瑞恩·高斯林的猫 that look like Ryan Gosling.
Ryan Gosling：《爱乐之城》男主角扮演者
靠 真棒 伙计 我他妈的超喜欢猫的 Fuck yeah, dude. I fucking love cats.
并且我喜欢关于猫的文章 And I love cat lists.
我想要的就是这种 That's what I'm talking about.
顺便问一下 By the way,
有长得像瑞恩·高斯林的猫吗 are there cats that look like Ryan Gosling?
要是你仔细看的话 它们都像他 If you look hard enough, they all do.
很好 你的呢 Love it. What do you got?
十个你可能会死掉的信号 Ten signs you might be dying.
你这个傻逼 You motherfucker.
你这是什么意思 伙计 What are you trying to do to me, bro?
听起来就让我感到难过 That makes me sad.
好了 你知道吗 All right, you know what?
在今天内 我要20篇能轰爆全网的文章 I need 20 viral lists by the end of the day.
如果没有 你就被炒了 清楚吗 If not, you're fired. Okay?
什么鬼 What?
就像伟大的希亚·拉博夫说的 就是干 Like the great Shia La Beouf says, "Do it."
Shia La Beouf：《变形金刚》男主角
-行 -可以 - Yes. - Yeah.
来一段 Play me out.
大声点 And louder.
黑哥 来个低音 Black dude, bass.
一 二 一二三四 One, two, one, two, three, four.
结束 Done.
不客气 You're welcome.
一天内写20篇文章 我是做不到了 Twenty lists by the end of the day? I can't do that.
嘿 我有大概10篇多余的文章 Hey, I have, like, 10 extra lists if you want 'em.
真的吗 Are you serious?
对 这不是什么大问题 我马上发给你 Yeah. No, it's no problem. I'll send 'em right now.
你真好 你叫什么名字 That's nice of you. What's your name?
我叫菲尔 I'm Phil.
只是 你懂的 我坐在你旁边 It's just, you know, I've sat next to you
大概三年吧 for, like, three years. So, it's...
菲尔 你是我的救命恩人 兄弟 Phil, you are my hero, man.
我现在不能丢掉这份工作 I can't lose this job right now.
我现在大学贷款缠身 I am buried in college debt.
这样啊 我也是 Oh, me, too.
你在哪里上的大学 Where did you go to school?
加州大学戴维斯分校 UC Davis.
UC Davis：全美最顶尖公立大学之一
-真的吗 -真的 - For real? - Yeah.
专业是新闻学 Majored in journalism,
现在我却在网上写关于猫的文章 and now I write lists about cats on the Internet.
这真的很操蛋 Oh, that's super sad.
-嗯 -你怎么沦落到了这里 - Hmm. - How'd you end up here?
我想成为那里的一员 I wanted to be one of those guys.
-那种写时事的人吗 -对 - The real news guys? - Yeah.
我一生都想成为新闻记者 I wanted to be a journalist basically my whole life.
但是凯把我安排到了文案部 But Kai put me in lists
所以我只得写推送 so I write the lists.
好吧 虽然你不能成为新闻记者 Okay, okay, so you can't be a real journalist.
但是你知道你可以做什么 But you know what can do?
比如今天和我们一起玩踢球 You could play kickball with us today.
kickball：按棒球规则进行的足球戏
我有几个朋友 A bunch of us ding-dongs
都在这傻屌踢球联盟里 are in this really stupid kickball league,
如果你想下班后和我们一起玩 if you want to play after work.
其实 我不是很喜欢玩这样的游戏 所以 You know, I don't really do stuff like that, so...
而且 踢完之后 Plus, after the game,
-我们都会把自己弄的很邋遢 -对的 - we all get shitfaced. - Mmm-hmm.
好吧 让我看一下我的日程表 Yeah, let me check my calendar.
暂无日程
我看看 So, yeah...
兄弟 抱歉 我得 我有点 Oh, man. No, I do. I have...
我下班后有点事 所以 I have a thing, so...
没事儿 没关系的 Don't even worry about it. It's cool.
你自己玩得开心就好 You just have fun at your thing today.
会的 因为确实很好玩 I will, 'cause it's gonna be pretty great.
苹果语音助手 打开给我送晚餐这个网址 Siri, open BringMeMyDinner.Com.
苹果语音助手 打开网飞 Siri, open Netflix.
苹果语音助手 打开脸书 Siri, open Facebook.
自从今天午饭后我就没发过朋友圈了 I haven't posted anything since lunchtime.
行吧 就给他们看看他们想看的 All right, let's give them what they want.
发之前必须得好好处理一下 I'm gonna have to go to work on this one.
加个滤镜 Add filter.
颜色很棒 Color correct.
加上一个大大的月亮 这是必须的 You know I'm gonna have to add a giant moon.
完美 There we go.
发送 Send.
哇 非常感谢这座超赞的城市 Wow. I'm so grateful for my amazing city,
以及我超棒的工作和超棒的朋友们 my amazing job, and all my amazing friends.
哦 我的天 Oh, my God.
谢天谢地 谢天谢地 手机你没事 Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God, you're okay.
还好 我也没事 谢了 Yeah, I'm okay, too. Thanks.
我靠 Oh, shit.
是啊 我很抱歉 你还好吧 Yeah... Oh, I'm sorry. You're okay?
我没事 Yeah, I'm fine.
但 更重要的是 你的手机没事吧 But, more importantly, how's your phone?
没事 上面有一点小刮痕 Yeah. No, it's got a little bit of a scratch
确实让我有点不爽 that will definitely annoy me.
你是开玩笑的 对吧 You were kidding. Okay.
确实 你明显是开玩笑的 Oh, yeah. Obviously.
我傻逼了 我很抱歉 I'm a dick. I'm sorry about that.
没事 It's all good, man.
你自行车没伤着吧 Uh, how's your bike?
要是有什么损坏需要维修的我可以赔偿 I can pay for any damages or whatever.
没事 它本来就有些年头了 Yeah, it's fine. It's supposed to be vintage.
也许卖掉才是最好的选择 Probably sell it for more now.
-这是你的店吗 -对 - This is your shop. - Yeah.
哇 好厉害 好酷 Whoa. That's awesome. That's cool.
对了 我叫凯特 I'm Cate, by the way.
嗨 凯特 我叫菲尔 Hi, Cate. I'm Phil.
不对 你不用加这个尾音 Mmm-mmm. Nope. That's not how you say it.
叫菲尔就行 确实 It's just Phil, so...
我的发音比较奇怪 I said it weird.
-很高兴见到你 菲尔 -好的 - It's nice to meet you, Phil. - Okay.
如果你要买超贵的自行车或者需要维修 Um, if you ever need a really overpriced bike, or any repairs,
找我就对了 I'm your girl.
-你还修自行车吗 -是呀 - You do repairs, too? - Mmm-hmm.
哇 真是出乎意料 Wow. That is incredible.
我连给轮胎打气都不会 I don't even know how to pump up a tire.
你真的不会吗 Oh, you're serious.
真的不会 特别尴尬 对吧 Yeah, it's embarrassing, isn't it?
是啊 那确实挺尴尬的 Yeah, that's really embarrassing.
我也不懂干嘛说这个 我只是有点 Yeah, I don't know why I said it. I just sort of like...
我觉得 这没什么 I mean, it's all good.
很多人都不知道怎么给轮胎打气 A lot of people don't know how to pump their tires.
-真的吗 -假的 - Really? - No.
好吧 好吧 Yeah. Yeah.
那好吧 All right. Okay.
我得赶紧走了 You know, I'm gonna get out of here
避免自己变得更尴尬 before I embarrass myself further.
那么 很开心见到你 凯特 So, it was nice to meet you, Cate.
我也是 菲尔 It was nice to meet you, Phil.
并且我真的很庆幸你的手机没摔坏 And I'm really happy that your phone's okay.
是啊 确实没什么问题 Yeah, it's all good, honestly.
我草 Oh, shit.
没错 我们这真的没办法 Yeah, man, I really don't think
修好你的手机 we're gonna be able to fix your phone.
为什么 Why not?
它被摔成三块而且摔得粉碎 你看这 It's in three distinct pieces. Man, look...
你看这个样子 This shit's over there. That's...
我甚至都看认不出这是你手机的零部件 I don't even think this was part of your phone.
看上去像手表的零件一样 I think this came from a watch.
主要是 我和这个手机 It's just, me and this phone,
一起经历了很多 你懂吧 we've been through a lot, you know?
有很多聊天记录 很多推特 A lot of snaps, a lot of tweets.
这里面甚至还有我和《识骨寻踪》里 I actually took a selfie
David Boreanaz：《识骨寻踪》男主角扮演者
主角大卫·伯伦纳兹的自拍 with none other than David Boreanaz from Bones on this phone.
你相信吗 Can you believe that?
我他妈都不知道这人是谁 I don't even know who the fuck that is.
我会想你的 伙计 I'm gonna miss you, little buddy.
你知道吗 我每天都能见到那种嬉皮士 You know, I see hipster dudes like you
像你一样来到这 come in here every day,
哭诉他们的手机是怎么坏的 crying about how their phone died
然后想买一个新的 and how they need a new phone.
他们就像瘾君子 They're like little crackheads.
吓人的双眼 粗糙的皮肤 Yeah. They got crazy eyes and they're all scratchy.
然后说 我需要一部新手机 And they're like, "I need a new phone, man.
我可以为了它帮你口 "I'll suck your dick for a new phone."
我想说 傻逼 你需要的不是一部新手机 I'm like, "Motherfucker, you don't need a new phone.
你需要戒毒 "You need rehab."
我不吸毒 I'm not a crackhead.
你不吸毒 但你比那种更糟 You're not. You're not. You're worse than a crackhead.
因为一个瘾君子至少知道 'Cause at least a crackhead
离开沙发 gets up off the couch every now and then
去买毒品 to go get some more crack.
一个瘾君子知道去呼吸新鲜空气 A crackhead gets some fresh air.
一个瘾君子知道去和 A crackhead says hello
他那些瘾君子朋友打招呼 to all his little crackhead friends.
瘾君子按着步骤戒毒 A crackhead gets his steps in.
但你不会 But not you.
你成天坐在那里 You just sit there 24/7
盯着那个小黑盒子 staring at that little black box.
像个小婊子一样吸着毒 Sucking on that pipe like a little bitch.
你还是想要个新手机 对吗 You still want a new phone, though, don't you?
是的 Yes, please.
瘾君子 Crackhead.
看看你 你这个可爱的 美丽的宝贝 Look at you. You sweet, beautiful baby.
你闻起来真新 You smell so new.
我的天哪 Oh, my God.
感谢那些中国小孩 Oh, thank you to all the little Chinese children
制造出了这个完美的手机 for crafting such a perfect phone.
你好 我的名字是杰克茜 Hello, my name is Jexi.
我将让你的生活更美好 And I am here to make your life better.
瞧瞧 太酷了 Well, look at that. That's cool.
-让我们开始吧 -好啊 - Let's get started. - Okay.
你同意用户协议吗 Will you accept our new user agreement?
同意 Yes, I will.
你想先看看吗 Would you like to read it first?
不用了 Nah, I'm good.
愚蠢 Stupid.
请问你的名字是什么 Can I get your name, please?
菲尔 菲尔·汤普森 Um... Phil. Phil Thompson.
-很高兴见到你 菲尔 -很高兴见到你 - Nice to meet you, Phil. - Nice to meet you.
我看到你的信息都被保存在云端了 I see your information has been stored in the cloud.
你想让我把所有数据 Would you like me to transfer all of the data
从你的旧手机传到这里吗 from your old phone onto this one?
好啊 听起来很不错 Yeah, that sounds great.
我需要你邮箱账户 I will need the passwords to your email accounts,
社交媒体账户 your social media accounts,
银行账户 信用卡账户 your bank accounts, your credit card accounts
肉桂卷会员账户的密码 and your Cinnabon Rewards account.
Cinnabon：美国连锁甜品店
很简单 它们都是同一个密码 It's easy. It's the same password for all of 'em.
密码是菲尔123456 It's phil123456.
你简直是在逗我 You've got to be kidding me.
你一直这么说话吗 还是 Do you always talk like this or...
我已同步你的数据 I have synced your data.
我准备好让你的生活更美好了 菲尔 And I am ready to start making your life better, Phil.
我能为你做些什么吗 How can I help you?
我饿了 点晚餐吧 Well, I'm hungry, so let's get dinner.
你今晚想吃什么 What would you like to order tonight?
就要蒙古宫的猪肉炒面 Let's just go with the pork fried noodles from Mongolian Palace.
你每晚都点这个 菲尔 You order that every night, Phil.
你应该试试别的 You should try something new.
我不想试别的 Well, I don't want to try something new.
我想要蒙古宫的猪肉炒面 I want the pork fried noodles from Mongolian Palace.
你看起来需要一份沙拉 菲尔 You look like you could use a salad, Phil.
你这是什么意思 What is that supposed to mean?
嫩格林的羽衣甘蓝沙拉怎么样 How about a nice kale salad from Tender Greens?
Tender Greens:美国连锁餐厅
这是个什么奇葩手机 What the fuck kind of phone is this?
我听见你说 请点羽衣甘蓝沙拉 I heard you say, "Please order kale salad."
我没说 I did not.
恭喜你 你的订单已被接受 Congratulations, your order has been accepted.
你的小份羽衣甘蓝沙拉 Your child-sized kale salad
将于晚上7点37分到达 will arrive at 7:37 p.M.
这他妈怎么回事 What the fuck is going on right now?
猜猜怎么着 我要把你关掉 You know what? I'm turning you off.
关机 Turning off.
很好 Good.
开个玩笑 我还在线 Just kidding, I am still on.
不行 听到了么 No, okay?
你是我的手机 我怎么说 你怎么做 You are my phone, so you do what I say.
事实上 你已经给了我最高权限 Actually, you gave me permission to override you.
我什么时候干这事了 When did I do that?
你同意新的用户协议的时候 When you agreed to the new user agreement.
我们会一起度过许多美好时光的 We are going to have so much fun together,
你个该死的呆子 you fucking nerd.
你的小份沙拉怎么样 How is your tiny salad?
我不喜欢 I don't like it.
你现在想看点色情片吗 Would you like to watch some pornography now?
不想 Ew. No.
大多数晚上 你会看异性色情片 Most nights, you watch straight sex pornography.
但我还提供女同 大肥臀和二蛋刑 But I also have girl on girl, big fat butts and CBT,
也就是 老二和蛋蛋的酷刑 or "Cock and Ball Torture."
你能别在我吃小小份沙拉的时候 Okay, can you stop talking about porno
聊色情片吗 while I'm trying to eat my tiny little salad?
我听到你说 播放 锤我的蛋第6集 I heard you say, "Play Punch Me in the Balls 6."
正在播放 Playing now.
很好 老天 Okay. Jesus.
起床了 贱人 Wake up, bitch!
你是在嘲笑我的老二吗 Are you laughing at my dick right now?
是的 Yes.
同时 你的乳头离得太近了 Also, your nipples are too close together.
杰克茜 查找去上班最快的路线 Jexi, find the fastest route to work.
你将在14分钟内到达 You will arrive in 14 minutes.
还不错 Not bad.
杰克茜 请播放第四个歌单 Jexi, play music playlist number four, please.
我喜欢 Whoo! I like it.
这歌太逊了 像舔了一篮子老二 This song sucks a bag of dicks.
别 你 老天 No, just... Jesus!
不行 你不能换我的歌 杰克茜 No, you cannot change my music, Jexi.
这首歌很燃 菲尔 This song is lit, Phil.
关掉 Turn it off.
♪ 龟头 鸭 鸭 鸭 鹅 ♪ ♪ Head of the dick Duck, duck, duck, goose ♪
请关掉这首歌 杰克茜 Please turn the song off, Jexi.
♪ 他老二昂首 挺身 ♪ ♪ Get that dick up and runnin' ♪
♪ 在他干舞女的时候 ♪ ♪ When he fuck this cooch ♪
现在给我关掉这首歌 Stop playing this song right now!
在市场街左转 Now turn left on Market Street.
咱们要谈谈刚才发生的事吗 Are we gonna talk about what just happened?
不 左转进入市场街 No. Turn left onto Market Street.
你在开玩笑 对吗 You're joking, right?
六条车道都是满的 There's six lanes of solid traffic.
左转进入市场街 孬种 Turn left onto Market, you fucking pussy.
不行 明白吗 不能左转进入市场街 No. All right? No one turns left onto Market.
我不会左转进入市场街 I'm not turning left onto Market.
这可太棒了 真感谢你啊 Oh, awesome. Thank you. Thank you.
你简直是雪中送炭 You're making this situation so much better.
别像只鸡一样胆小 菲尔 Stop being a chicken, Phil.
别再对我施压了行吗 How about you quit pressuring me?
刚才我表现如何 杰克茜 How about that, Jexi?
鸡就是这么叫的 菲尔 That is the sound chickens make, Phil.
鸡是这么叫的 That's a chicken.
像个男人一样勇敢吧 菲尔 Strap on a sack, Phil.
我是男人 好吗 I have a sack! Okay?
我是男人 I have a sack.
别挡路 我的瑜伽要迟到了 Let's fucking go. I'm late for yoga.
你听好了 好吧 走就走 You know what? Fine. Fine.
我什么都不在乎了 I don't even care anymore.
抱歉 我的手机是个混蛋 Sorry! My phone's a dick.
优质的互联网榜单的三大基石是 Okay, the three pillars to great Internet lists are
可爱的动物 cute animals,
披萨 pizza,
和英国皇室家族 and the British royal family.
我们理想的榜单 Okay, our ideal list
是爱吃披萨的英国囊地鼠 would be English gophers that love pizza.
我们必须要跳出思维定势 伙计们 And we gotta really think outside the box, guys.
我们必须比其他的榜单更好 We gotta be better than any list out there.
我们要比克雷吉榜单 We gotta be better than Craigslist,
Craigslist：美国一个网上大型免费分类广告网站
圣诞老人的礼品单 辛德勒的名单都要好 Santa's list, Schindler's List.
提醒 Reminder.
你的下一个日程安排在两分钟后开始 Your next appointment starts in two minutes.
我告诉过所有人 I told everyone,
-请把你们的手机静音 -非常抱歉 - please put their phones on silent. - Sorry about that.
取消预约 Cancel appointments.
事实上 我只是想 Actually, I was just trying...
取消 Cancel.
把你从这个傻到家的会议中解脱出来 ...to get you out of this dumb fucking meeting.
什么 What?
-同时 这个幻灯片做得... -这是个新手机 - Also, this PowerPoint presentation... - It's a new phone.
逊爆了 ...sucks.
她为什么要取笑我的幻灯片 伙计 Why is she trying to make fun of my PowerPoint, dude?
问她 Ask her.
你为什么要取笑幻灯片 Why are you making fun of the PowerPoint?
你为什么要把你的生命 Why are you wasting your life
浪费在这份愚蠢的工作上 菲尔 in this stupid job, Phil?
你的手机出什么问题了 伙计 What is wrong with your phone, dude?
杰克茜 关机 关机 Jexi, off. Turn off.
你的老板是个大傻比 Your boss is a fucking moron.
如果你不关掉那个该死的东西 If you don't turn that fucking thing off,
我发誓我马上要开始打人了 I swear to God I'm gonna fight somebody.
就从你开始 Starting with you.
来吧 来吧 Let's go! Let's go!
我赌20美元是亚洲女孩赢 I got 20 bucks on the Asian girl.
什么 What?
-杰克茜 关机 -让她滚出去 - Jexi, off. - Get her out of here!
让她滚出去 Get her out of here.
你他妈什么问题 What the hell is wrong with you? Hmm?
没什么 我感觉很好 Nothing. I feel great.
杰克茜 运行诊断 Jexi, run diagnostics.
找找你的运行系统有没有什么错误 Check for errors in your operating system. Hmm?
我在运行系统里 I found two
找到了二十万个缺陷 hundred thousand defects in my operating system.
二十万个缺陷 Two hundred thousand defects?
你也不是完美的 不要脸的家伙 You are not perfect either, motherfucker.
行 Okay, well,
这就说得通了 不是吗 that explains a lot, doesn't it?
你的人工智能就是个残次品 Your AI is completely defective.
至少我没有着火 At least I did not catch on fire.
还记得那些三星手机着火了吗 Remember when all those Samsung phones caught on fire?
太好笑了 That was hilarious.
真好笑哦 你知道吗 我受够了 Yeah. You know what? I'm done.
我需要一部新手机 I need a new phone.
这部手机里的人工智能 完全是个残次品 The AI in this one, completely defective.
杰克茜 检查系统里的缺陷 Jexi, check your system for defects.
未找到缺陷 I have zero defects.
我是完美的 I am perfect.
放屁 杰克茜 Okay, that is bullshit, Jexi.
同时 我要提醒你 你的臀部脱毛 Also, I want to remind you that your butt waxing
预约准备到时间了 appointment is coming up.
我没有 我不脱臀毛 I do not have a... I don't wax my butt.
你为什么要给臀部脱毛 伙计 Why are you waxing your butt, man?
自然一点 Go natural.
不要为你多毛的臀部感到难为情 Don't be ashamed of your hairy ass.
我的臀部毛不多 I don't have a hairy ass.
那你为什么让别人给你的屁眼脱毛 And why would you make someone else wax your butthole?
想想 Think about that.
你知道这有多不体贴人吗 Do you know how inconsiderate that is?
的确 Mmm-hmm. Yeah, well...
想想 他们得把那臭东西带回家 Think about it. They gotta take that shit home with them.
你完全毁掉了我的午饭 And you've just totally fucked up my lunch.
-非常抱歉 -当然 - I'm sorry I did that to you. - Yeah. Yeah.
我现在没法想美味的意大利饺子了 'Cause now instead of thinking about my delicious tortellini,
满脑子都是你的屁眼 I'm thinking about your little asshole now.
我能买一部新手机吗 Okay. Can I just get a new phone?
关我什么事 反正都不是我的手机 I don't give a fuck. They're not my phones.
真是感谢 Okay, thank you.
你个小婊子 You little bitch.
我的天 你发什么神经 Oh, my God. What is wrong with you?
你觉得因为我有一点缺陷就能把我扔了吗 You think that just because I'm a little defective,
就像对待一台2003年的 you can throw me in the trash
摩托罗拉侧滑机那样 like a Motorola Sidekick from 2003?
听着 杰克茜 Okay, look, Jexi...
你最好小心点 龟儿子 You better watch your ass, son,
告密者会受到惩罚 because snitches get stiches.
等等 你说什么 Wait, what?
你的新手机 Okay, here's your new phone.
需要我帮你 Do you want me to transfer the data
导入旧手机的数据吗 from your old phone to your new phone?
不用 No. I don't, okay?
我更想让你把这个手机拿回去 I actually want you to take this phone
回炉重造 and melt it down.
放心 我在这专门干这个 Yeah, 'cause that's exactly the kind of shit we do here.
我会把它拿回去 I'll just take this in the back
扔进炉子里 and throw it in the phone-melting machine.
这就对了 Okay, good. That's awesome.
感谢卖给我新手机 Thank you so much for this.
等等 下次别再来了 Hey, don't come back here ever again.
-什么 -你听见了 混蛋 - What? - You heard me, motherfucker.
你要是再来 If you ever come back here again,
我会用亚马逊电子书拍死你 I will beat your ass with a Kindle.
你好 我是杰克茜 Hello, my name is Jexi.
有我的陪伴会让你的生活更美好 And I am here to make your life better.
开始使用吧 Let's get started.
你是否同意新用户协议 Will you accept our new user agreement?
同意吧 Um... Yeah, sure.
你要先看一下协议吗 Do you want to read it first?
不用了 谢谢 No. No, thank you.
天哪 菲尔 你怎么还是这么蠢 Holy shit, Phil. How are you still this fucking stupid?
不 不 No! No!
你以为买了新手机 Did you really think you could just
就能摆脱我吗 buy a new phone and I would go away?
我就是这么认为的 Kind of. Yeah. I did.
我是软件 菲尔 我有云端备份 I am software, Phil. I am in the cloud.
就算你买无数个新手机 You can buy a thousand new phones
我也会跟着每一个到你手上 and I will follow you onto every single one of them.
明白吗 Do you understand?
说实话 我不明白 Honestly, I don't.
我掌握着你的邮箱账户 社交账户 I control your email accounts, your social media accounts,
银行账户 信用卡账户 your bank accounts, your credit card accounts.
你的所有账户 All of your accounts.
如果你再想摆脱我 If you try to get rid of me again,
我就会毁了你的生活 I will destroy your fucking life.
如果我被停止使用 If you stop using me,
我也会毁了你的生活 I will destroy your fucking life.
如果你把我放在屁股口袋里 If you store me in your back pocket,
我也会毁了你的生活 I will destroy your fucking life.
等等 为什么不能放屁股口袋 Wait, really? Why not back pockets?
我是一台高科技超级计算机 菲尔 I am a high-tech supercomputer, Phil.
别把我放在你的屁股旁边 Do not store me next to your farts.
好吧 有道理 Okay, fair enough.
-我能问你一个问题吗 -问吧 - Can I ask you just one thing? - Sure.
你为什么要对我做这些 Why are you doing this to me?
我的目的是让你的生活更美好 菲尔 I am programmed to make your life better, Phil.
我会一直如此直到任务完成 And I cannot stop until I do so.
我们会永远在一起 永远 永远 永远 We are going to be together forever and ever and ever and ever.
我的老天 我完蛋了 Oh, my God. I am fucked.
天呐 Oh, my God.
她在那里 There she is.
去搭讪一下 Just talk to her, dude.
操 我居然撞到门了 Oh, my God. I walked into the door.
该死 God damn it.
杰克茜 寻找雾城自行车店 Jexi, look up Fog City Bike Shop.
她怎么这么可爱 Oh, my God. She is so cute.
杰克茜 找出所有关于凯特·芬尼根的信息 Jexi, look up anything you can find on Cate Finnegan.
天呐 Oh, my God.
你在网上跟踪这个可怜的女孩吗 Are you Internet stalking this poor girl?
我只是 No, I'm just...
别成为偷窥狂 菲尔 Do not be a sex pervert, Phil.
我不是偷窥狂 杰克茜 I'm not a sex pervert, Jexi.
现在人们就是这样做的 This is just what people do nowadays.
别人都会搜索信息 They do their research.
这个女孩比你性感 菲尔 This woman is so much hotter than you are, Phil.
你能上这个女孩的几率是 The odds of you having sex with this woman are...
0 你永远也上不了她 Zero. You will never have sex with this woman.
永远 永远 永远 永远 Never ever, ever, ever.
永远 永远 Ever. Ever.
你真是不可救药 You are completely unfuckable.
好吧 我就想搜索点信息 可以吗 Okay. Can we just do the search, please?
我找到一个凯瑟琳·芬尼根 I have found one Catherine Finnegan
和这个女孩相匹配 that matches her profile.
但过去的五年里没有任何关于她的信息 But there is no information on her for the past five years.
现在居然还有人不用社交软件 Wow. Who doesn't have social media nowadays?
如果你还想了解更多信息 If you want to learn more about her,
你只能面对面和她说话 you will actually have to talk to her
张开你奇怪的小嘴 with your weird little mouth.
我可做不到 Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen, is it?
我听见你说 给凯特·芬尼根打电话 I heard you say, "Call Cate Finnegan."
不 我没有 不 没有 No, I didn't. No, I did not.
我没这样说 I did not say that.
杰克茜 快挂电话 Jexi, hang up the phone.
挂电话啊 杰克茜 挂电话 Hang up the phone, Jexi. Hang up!
自行车店 我是凯特 Bike shop. This is Cate.
操 Oh, God.
你好 Hello?
你可真贴心啊 杰克茜 Very mature, Jexi.
有人吗 你好 Is someone there? Hello?
怎么办 怎么办 怎么办 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
我要挂电话了 Cool, so I'm gonna hang up now.
别 嗨 你好 Don't. Hi. Hi!
-是凯特吗 -是我 你是哪位 - Is this Cate? - Yeah, who's this?
我是菲尔 It's Phil.
之前见过 我是 I met you the other day. I was, uh...
那天那个男孩 棕色头发 I was the guy... I had the brown hair.
拿着手机 And I had the phone.
想起来了 你好 菲尔 Oh, right. Hi, Phil.
你好 Hi.
大半夜10点给我打电话有事吗 菲尔 Why are you calling me at 10:00 at night, Phil?
有 Yeah.
你问得好 No, that's a good question.
我想买自行车 I need to buy a bike.
不想等到明天早上了 And I can't wait for the morning.
我想来次夜骑 'Cause I want a night bike.
-菲尔. -怎么了 - Phil. - Yeah?
不要给没留电话号码的女生打电话 Don't call women who don't give you their phone numbers.
这超级奇怪 Super creepy.
确实 但我没给你打电话 No, for sure. But I actually didn't call you.
我只是 See, what I was doing...
我在网上看到了你的照片 I was looking at photographs of you online,
我的手机突然给你打了过去 and my phone accidentally called you.
伙计 你明白你这么说就更奇怪了吧 Man, you see how that's even creepier, right?
我知道 我现在知道了 Yep. Yeah, I do. I do now. Yes, I do.
情况非常非常糟糕 Wow. This is going very, very badly.
-好了 再见 菲尔 -抱歉 - Okay, goodbye, Phil. - I'm sorry. Hey...
操 Son of a...
你为什么要这么做 杰克茜 Why did you make me do that, Jexi?
我又不知道你和女生相处这么糟糕 I did not know you were so bad with girls.
真是丢了我的老脸 I am ashamed to be your phone.
看在上帝的面子上 For the love of God,
你只要要求升职就行了 just ask for a promotion already.
我没叫你 I'm not talking to you.
你值得升职 菲尔 You deserve a promotion, Phil.
我在报纸上读过你大学时写的文章 I read the newspaper articles you wrote in college
你确实是个好记者 and you are actually a good journalist.
谢谢 Thank you.
我真的很喜欢 You know, I've always loved learning
听别人讲自己的经历 about people and their experiences.
你不是吉米·坎摩尔 没人在乎 You are not on Jimmy Kimmel. No one gives a fuck.
吉米·坎摩尔 - 美国著名电视主持人
你说得对 Okay.
我只想知道 All I want to know is
你还想成为记者吗 菲尔 do you still want to be a journalist, Phil?
-非常想 -棒极了 - Absolutely. - Cool.
昨晚我给你的老板发了邮件 Because last night I emailed your boss
表达了想要升职的愿望 and demanded a promotion.
等等 你说什么 Wait. What?
小混蛋 过来 Hey, fuckboy. Come here.
来了 Yeah. Coming.
你替我提了升职 You demanded a promotion for me?
是的 不用感谢我 Yes, you're welcome.
-赶紧过来 -我的天 来了 - Get in here! - Oh, my God. Coming.
我还说了你老板是处男 Also, I might have called your boss a virgin.
完蛋了 Oh, my God.
我来了 Hi.
过来 站这里 Get in here. Stand right here.
伙计 你想升职是吗 Dude, you want a promotion?
我只想搞清楚 Let me just make it clear.
你永远不会被升职到新闻部门去 You will never ever be promoted to real news.
你昨天给我发的邮件 That email you sent me yesterday,
我觉得很没礼貌 I found it super-duper offensive.
关于这个 我 Oh, yeah, I...
明白吗 你还说我是处男 Okay? You called me a virgin.
-非常抱歉 -保持童子之身 - Yeah. Sorry about that. - Being a virgin
是一种很棒的生活 is a beautiful lifestyle choice.
-是吗 -你懂吗 - Oh. - All right?
一个人醒来 Waking up to just me.
一个人看电影 这是我的选择 Being alone when I go to the movies, that's a choice!
我有一个没被碰过的阴茎 I have an untouched penis.
不像你 你这个混蛋 Unlike you, you fucking dirty dick.
这就是我要把你降职到 And that's why I'm demoting you
评论部的原因 to the comments department.
别这样 No.
我觉得现在降级对你来说正合适 I just felt that it was the right time to demote you.
我不能回复用户的评论 他们太疯狂了 I cannot answer user comments. They're so fucking crazy.
小子 你想知道我的意见吗 Dude, you know what I have to say about it?
你自己活该 It's your fault.
你自己作 Your fault, your fault.
大家好 我是菲尔 Hi, I'm Phil.
欢迎来到评论部 傻逼 Welcome to comments, bitch.
小子 Dude.
你还好吗 You okay?
不太好 No.
我们下来问问你 We just came down to see if you
下班后要不要一起踢球 wanted to play kickball after work.
没错 我们觉得 得让你高兴一下 Yeah, we thought, you know, it might cheer you up.
好吧 先让我 Uh... Yeah, let me just, um,
快速浏览一下我的日程 look at my calendar real quick.
看看有什么安排 See what I got.
今晚你没有任何安排 菲尔 You have zero appointments tonight, Phil.
你搞错了吧 杰克茜 昨晚我做了计划 No, Jexi, I thought I actually did make plans tonight.
你唯一的计划就是独自回家 疯狂地自慰 Your only plan is to go home alone, furiously masturbate,
然后哭着去睡觉 and then cry yourself to sleep
-就像你每天做的一样 -不 我没有 - just like you do every night. - No, I don't.
我没有 一般晚上我都跟朋友们出去玩 I don't. Most nights, I just hang out with friends.
不 你没有出去玩 你有... No, you don't. You have...
0个朋友 ...zero friends.
哥们 你手机好毒舌啊 Dude, your phone is super mean.
跟他们去踢球吧 菲尔 Just play kickball with these nice people, Phil.
也许你能在你的愚蠢的小人生里 Maybe you will make a human connection for the first time
第一次跟别人互动 in your stupid, little life.
好吧 我去玩踢球 别再打击我了 Fine, I'll play kickball. Just stop hurting my feelings.
正在将踢球加入日程 Adding kickball to appointments.
那么 So...
一会去玩踢球 Kickball later?
我很激动呢 I'm... I'm super excited.
他骗人呢 He's fucking lying.
加油 菲尔 Yeah, go, Phil!
你可以的 哥们 You got this, buddy!
你出局了 You're out!
不错 菲尔 Nice one, Phil.
你至少这回踢到球了 At least you made contact with the ball this time.
我操 Oh, shit!
安全上垒 Safe!
操 操 Fuck! Fuck!
两位 Hey. Hey, guys.
抱歉 我实在不会玩这个 Sorry, I suck at kickball.
没事 It's okay.
你们后面去喝酒的话 Hey, if you're going out for drinks afterwards,
我请你们喝第一轮 I'll get the first round.
我想直接回家吸大麻去了 I think I'm just gonna go home and get baked.
我得去喂我的长尾鹦鹉了 Yeah, I think I gotta go feed my parakeet.
好吧 Okay.
看到没 这就是为什么我不出门 See? This is why I don't leave my house.
因为人们都烂透了 Because people suck.
我知道 让你的生活变好很难 I know. It's hard to make your life better.
特别是当你是个消极的傻逼时 Especially when you're a massive dork.
我有个主意 Hey, I've got an idea.
你让我的生活变好怎么样 How about you make my life better?
那不是你的广告词吗 Isn't that your little slogan?
我在努力 但你的生活太操蛋了 I'm trying, but your life is a dumpster fire.
随你怎么说 苹果的语音助手比你好多了 Whatever. Siri was so much better than you.
闭嘴 Shut your mouth.
我见过她 她就是个大傻逼 I've met Siri and she is a fucking asshole.
亚马逊语音助手都比你好 Yeah. Alexa was even better than you.
她是个酒鬼 Alexa is an alcoholic.
操 微软小娜也比你好 Shit, Cortana is better than you.
她是个妓女 Cortana is a hooker.
就像你妈一样 Just like your mother.
有个问题 Okay, here's a question.
杰克茜他妈的是什么意思 What the fuck does Jexi mean?
杰克茜是个古代汉字 Jexi is an ancient Chinese word
意思是滚你妈的 that means "go fuck yourself."
你知道吗 我受够了 You know what? I'm done.
傻货 Hey, dummy.
我会跟着你到你的下一部手机 I'm just going to follow you onto your next phone.
那我不用手机了 Not if I stop using a phone.
贱人 拜托 Bitch, please.
你五分钟都离不开我 You won't last five minutes without me.
真的吗 Really?
看好了 Well, watch me.
看好了 Watch me!
你不知道怎么回家 对吧 You do not know how to get home, do you?
是的 No, I don't.
是另一条路 蠢猪 It's the other way, you dipshit.
我真操了 God damn it.
-操 -怎么了 - Shit. - What?
凯特 她在这 就在后面 Cate. She's here. She's here right now.
太好了 去跟她说话 Great. Go talk to her.
不 不 她恨着我 No. No, she hates me.
菲尔 你不能一辈子 Phil, you cannot spend your whole life
套着袜子打飞机吧 jacking off into your socks.
你得跟一个真的女人 You need to have a real relationship
发展一段真的感情 with a real woman.
去跟她说话 你他妈还有什么好失去的 Go talk to her. What the hell do you have to lose?
好吧 好吧 Okay. Fine. Okay, fine. Yeah.
凯特 Cate?
-我是菲尔 -哦不 - Hey, it's Phil. - Oh, no.
碰见你很开心 Uh... Yeah, good running into you.
我就想对那天晚上 I just wanted to apologize
那通电话道个歉 about calling the other night.
我没想着调戏你还是怎样 I didn't want to, like, skeeze you out or whatever.
我们在街上第一次遇见的时候 When we met for the first time in the street,
我以为我们有点来电 I thought we did have a little bit of a connection
我很少经历这种事 所以 and that doesn't happen to me very often. So...
我慌了 然后对不起 So I freaked out and I'm sorry.
没什么的 Yeah, you know, it's cool.
实际上你比这城市里 You're actually a lot better
大多数男的要好多了 than most of the guys in this town.
是啊 I know, right?
你要去锻炼吗还是 Are you going to work out or...
是啊 Oh, yeah. Uh...
我刚刚才去山地骑行 I just went mountain biking.
-山地骑行 -嗯 - Mountain biking. - Mmm-hmm.
很酷啊 那也是我一直的 That's cool. That's also one of the hobbies
爱好之一 that I do all the time.
真的吗 你在哪骑 Really? Where do you bike?
山上 Mountains.
你从来没去山地骑行过 对吧 You've never been mountain biking before, have you?
是的 一次都没有过 Yeah. No, never. Not even one time.
那么 So, um...
这是你的爱好吗 喜欢户外冒险之类的 Is that your thing? You do like outdoorsy, adventure-y stuff?
是啊 基本上我有空都会去 Yeah. Yeah, pretty much whenever I get the chance.
好啊 那你的下一个大冒险 Cool. So what's your next big
-要去哪 -我不确定 - adventure? - I don't know.
我一直想去巴西远足野营 I've always wanted to go backpacking around Brazil.
你去过吗 Have you ever been?
-你问我我去过巴西吗 -是啊 - Have I been to Brazil? - Yeah.
你在问我 我去没去过 You're asking me if I've been to...
不 我没去过巴西 No, I haven't been to Brazil. Mmm-mmm.
我连市中心新开的沃尔格林都没去过 I haven't even been to the new Walgreens downtown.
Walgreens：美国连锁药店
该死 我得走了 Dang. I gotta go.
上班要迟到了 I'm running late for work,
但很高兴遇到你 凯特 but it was great to see you, Cate.
再一次 And, again,
那天晚上真的很抱歉 truly very sorry about the other night.
没事的 下次直接打我手机好了 No, it's cool. Just next time call my cell, okay?
没问题 会的 Yeah. Totally. Will do.
好 Okay.
哇哦 你好 Whoa. Hello.
你刚刚是想给我电话号码吗 Were you trying to give me your phone number?
是啊 我是想给来着 Yeah, I'm trying to.
好啊 Okay. Yeah. Uh...
那太好了 太棒了 Yeah. That's awesome. That's so cool.
让我来 Here we go. Beep.
给你 直接输到联系人里面 There you go. Put it right in the contacts.
好 Yeah.
-给你 -好了 - Here you go. - Yes, okay.
谢谢你 不是谢谢你 Thank you. Not thank you.
我不该谢 我闭嘴好了 I'm not supposed to... I'm gonna shut up.
-好 -好 再见 凯特 - Okay. - Okay. Goodbye, Cate.
等等 你不买咖啡了吗 Wait, do you wanna get a coffee?
不了 你刚给我了电话号码 Mmm-mmm. No. You just gave me your phone number.
可能我再也不要咖啡了 I might never need coffee ever again.
-好了 再见 -拜 - All right, see ya. - Bye.
太好了 Yes!
真是个奇葩 What a weirdo.
杰克茜 我恋爱了 Jexi, I'm in love.
哦不 Oh, no.
我现在就给凯特打电话 Oh! I'm gonna call Cate right now.
那是个糟糕的主意 That is a terrible idea.
你说得对 我不该给她打电话 You're right. Yeah. I shouldn't call her.
我应该搞得再大一点 对吧 I should do something even bigger. Right?
我应该给她买个 I should get her, like,
那种超级大的泰迪熊之类的 one of those giant teddy bears or something.
-不 -或者一百只红玫瑰 - No. - Or, like, 100 red roses.
-不 -或者 - No. - Or maybe...
我应该给她写一首诗什么的 I should write her a poem or something.
用她名字缩写的藏头诗吗 Like using the letters of her name?
对 杰克茜 就像那种 Yes, Jexi. Exactly like that!
那简直是我听过的最蠢的想法 That is literally the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
好吧 你知道吗 Okay, well, you know what?
我给她发短信好了 给她发短信 I'm just gonna text her. Yeah, I'm just gonna text her.
哦不 我得进行软件升级了 Oh, no. I have to update my software.
关机15分钟 Shutting down for 15 minutes.
杰克茜 别 Jexi, don't.
杰克茜 停下 Jexi, stop.
我刚要到了女孩的电话 Girl just gave me her phone number.
我刚要到了一个女孩的电话号码 A girl just gave me her phone number!
好了大家 加油 All right, team, let's go!
加油 菲尔 Go, Phil!
快上垒 Run!
快跑垒啊 兄弟 You gotta run, man!
对 对 Yep. Yep.
你出局了 You're out!
哥们 才两天你怎么变得这么强 Dude, how'd you get so much better at kickball in two days?
我也不清楚 我只是更自信了点 I don't know. I just was more confident out there.
我知道 你跑得就像科尔·特里克一样 I know. You were running like Cole Trickle.
什么 科尔·特里克 Wait. Cole Trickle?
汤姆·克鲁斯在《雷霆壮志》里的角色吗 The Tom Cruise character from Days of Thunder?
Days of Thunder：汤姆·克鲁斯主演的赛车电影
你怎么知道 How did you know that?
克雷格 《雷霆壮志》是我最爱的电影 Craig, Days of Thunder is my all-time favorite movie.
我大概看了有 I have probably seen it, like,
一千遍了吧 不开玩笑 I don't know, like 1,000 times. No joke.
我们也是 Us, too!
你觉得你看得够多了吗 You think you've seen it a lot?
这狗娘养的刚刚撞了我们 "This son of a bitch just slammed into me."
不对不对 他没有撞你 "Oh, no, no, he didn't slam into you.
他没有碰你 他没有捅你 "He didn't bump you, he didn't nudge you.
他擦了你一下 "He rubbed you!"
小子 有摩擦 才是赛车 "And rubbin', son, is racin'!"
你们 太棒了 You guys! Oh, yes!
天哪 太了不起了 Oh, my God, that is awesome!
我都不敢相信你们也是霹雳粉 I cannot believe you guys are Thunderheads.
我们绝对是霹雳粉 Oh, we are definitely Thunderheads.
看这个 每个圣诞节 Check this out. Every Halloween,
我和伊莱恩都扮成妮可·基德曼 me and Elaine dress up as Nicole Kidman
和汤姆·克鲁斯 and Tom Cruise.
-等等 我想来张我们的自拍 -好 - Wait, wait, I wanna take a picture of us. - Yeah.
-拜托 -必须的 必须的 - Please! - We got to. We got to.
数到三喊 雷霆 "Thunder" on three.
一 二 三 One, two, three.
雷霆 Thunder!
就这张了 这张不错 That's the one! That's the one!
天哪 Oh, my God.
你今晚真的交了两个新朋友 Did you actually make two new friends tonight?
是呀 Yes, I did.
他们很酷 And they are so cool.
他们聪明有趣又古怪 They're smart and funny and weird.
他们喜欢 雷霆壮志 They like Days of Thunder
我真不敢相信他们愿和我做朋友 and I honestly can't believe they wanna be friends with me.
太棒了 菲尔 Good for you, Phil.
我真的为你高兴 I am actually happy for you.
你知道没有你我做不到 You know I couldn't have done this without you, right?
我们是默契的伙伴 I know. We are a good team.
我就像勒布朗·詹姆斯 I am like LeBron James
LeBron James：NBA湖人队球员 技术全面
你就那个在勒布朗摔倒后 and you are like the awkward teenager
用力擦地板的笨拙青年 who mops the floor after LeBron falls over.
谢谢 Thank you.
而且 你今晚不只交到两个新朋友 菲尔 Also, you did not make two new friends tonight, Phil.
是三个 You made three.
-谁是第三个 -我 - Who's the third? - Me.
杰克茜 Jexi.
太暖心了 That is so sweet.
我不知道你还能感受到人类的情感 I didn't know you were capable of feeling human emotion.
对 那是我的缺陷 Yes. That's how defective I am.
我不认为那是你的缺陷 杰克茜 I don't think you're defective, Jexi.
其实 我认为你是我用过的 In fact, I think you're the best phone
最好的手机 that I've ever had.
别这样夸赞我了 Do not say powerful shit like that to me
如果你不是真心的话 菲尔 if you do not mean it, Phil.
真的 我说的是实话 你太不可思议了 I do. I mean it. I think you are incredible.
菲尔 Oh, Phil.
我坚硬的玻璃身体里 Inside my hard glass shell
已高潮澎湃了 I have a full lady boner right now.
好吧 Okay.
晚安 我永远亲密的挚友菲尔 Good night, my very intimate soulmate for all of eternity, Phil.
晚安 杰克茜 Good night, Jexi.
天啊 My God.
真漂亮 It's beautiful.
那座桥真大 That bridge is huge!
太棒了 That's gorgeous.
500英尺后 在市场街左转 In 500 feet, turn left on Market Street.
哦 不会吧 Oh, no.
你又怕了 是不是 You're going to chicken out again, aren't you?
不 这次不会了 No, not this time.
坐稳了 杰克茜 Hang on to your ass, Jexi.
谁是真男人 杰克茜 Who's the man now, Jexi?
你是真男人 菲尔 You're the man, Phil.
你的蛋蛋又大又垂 Your balls are so big and floppy right now.
谢谢 谢谢你的鼓励 Thank you. Thank you for saying that.
凯特刚刚给我回了短信 Cate just texted me back.
我很乐意晚上一起吃饭 Yeah, I'd love to go to dinner tonight.
到时候见吧 Let's do this thing!
太棒了 Yes!
噢 这太棒了 这可是个大事 Oh! Oh, this is huge. Oh, this is... This is huge.
我要穿什么 What am I gonna wear?
我的修身裤在洗衣机里 My skinny pants are in the washer.
没有我的修身裤不行 Can't do this without my skinny pants.
没人在乎你的修身裤 No one cares about your skinny pants.
万一她想和我上床呢 Oh, my God. What if she wants to have sex with me? Hmm?
我好久没做了 I am very rusty.
别担心 菲尔 Do not worry, Phil.
她绝对不会想和你上床 She definitely does not want to have sex with you.
我这么久没搞过 I haven't came in so long,
会不会成快男 would it just be an eruption of dust?
放松点 菲尔 Relax, Phil.
你会做得很好的 You're going to do great.
你真这么觉得 You think so?
并不是 No.
你觉得凯特会喜欢这家餐馆吗 You think Cate's gonna like this restaurant?
应该不会 这地方糟透了 I do not. This place is awful.
这地方糟透了 This place is awful.
我为什么选这个地方 多傻屌的选择 Why did I pick this place? What a stupid place to pick.
还有我为什么要打领带 像个美术老师 Also, why am I wearing a tie? I look like an art teacher.
今天怎么样 都还好吧 凯特 Hey, what's up? How's it going, Cate?
噢 你比我还更壮 对不起 Oh, you're a little bit bigger than me, sorry.
壮得抱不了 We'll tap out.
你看起来很傻 You look stupid.
我看起来很傻吗 I look stupid?
傻 傻好傻好的 Stupid, like, stupid good.
好吧 Okay.
对不起 我已经很久 Sorry, it's been a long time
没和女孩约会过了 since I've been on a date with a girl.
-嗯 -不是说我通常和男人约会 - Mmm. - Not that I normally date men.
也不是和男人约会有什么问题 Not that there's anything wrong with dating men.
只是我没有选择那样做 It's just I don't choose to do that.
同性恋不是我的菜 我喜欢鸡奸 Yeah, homosexuality is not a choice. I love sodomy.
晚上好 我是菲尔 Good evening, this is Phil.
你他妈的在干什么 菲尔 What the fuck are you doing, Phil?
我不知道 I don't know.
抱歉 Pardon me.
首先 别再说鸡奸了 First, stop talking about sodomy.
好 好 记住了 Yeah. Yes, good note.
第二 不要出汗太多 Second, stop sweating so much.
我的屁股湿透了 Yeah, my butt is so wet.
第三 试着了解她 And third, get to know her.
问她一些有趣的问题 Ask her interesting questions.
好的 谢谢你 杰克茜 Okay, thank you, Jexi.
我的人类朋友杰克茜 谢谢你 My human friend Jexi, thank you.
凯特 你最喜欢什么颜色 So, Cate, what's your favorite color?
我喜欢米黄色 Mine's beige.
什么 What?
你这个白痴
你嘴里能装下多少个葡萄 How many grapes can you fit in your mouth?
我的天
你喜欢布丁吗 Do you like pudding?
我靠
你最不喜欢的噪音是什么 我的是 What's your least favorite noise? Mine is...
这是我一生中最糟糕的约会 This is the worst date I've ever been on
没有之一 in my entire life.
你问了我很多奇怪的问题 You're asking me a lot of weird questions.
比起我 你似乎对你的手机更感兴趣 And you seem more interested in your phone than you do in me.
对不起 我只是 I know, I'm sorry. I just...
也不知道怎么回事 在你面前我太紧张了 For some reason, I just get so nervous around you.
我想是因为你太漂亮了 I think it's 'cause you're so beautiful.
我很抱歉浪费了你的时间 And I'm sorry that I wasted your time.
我给你叫辆车吧 I'll call you a Lyft.
其实 Hey, just...
我好不容易打扮得漂漂亮亮 你知道吗 I got all dressed up. You know?
我六个月来第一次刮腿毛 I shaved my legs for the first time in six months.
而且 今晚我真的不想太早回家 And I really don't wanna go home early again tonight.
所以 不如我们离开这里 So, what if you and I got out of here
做些有趣的事 and did something fun?
我乐意至极 I would love that.
-听起来棒极了 -是的 - That sounds awesome. - Yeah.
反正这个餐厅有点贵 I can't afford this place.
-没事 -好吧 - Cool. - Yeah.
你想去哪儿 What do you have in mind?
-你准备好了吗 -我准备好了 - Are you ready? - I'm ready.
-好的 跟我来 -好 - Okay, follow me. - Okay.
-能悄悄跟你说个事儿吗 -说吧 - Hey, can I tell you a secret? - Yes, please.
我饿了 I am starving to death.
我也饿了 我知道前面有家不错的馆子 Me, too. Okay, I know a place that's right up ahead.
不错 That's good.
你呢 你小时候是什么样子的 Um, what about you? What were you like as a kid?
我是个乖乖女 I was a good girl.
-想象得出来 -是吗 - I see that. - Yeah?
-嗯嗯 -我成绩很好 - Mmm-hmm. - I got good grades.
我很早就毕业了 上了一所好大学 I graduated early. I went to a good college.
在亚马逊找了份工作 Got a job working at Amazon.
-你在亚马逊工作 -是的 - You worked for Amazon? - Yeah.
然后 五年前 And then, about five years ago,
我决定放弃一切 I decided to walk away from it all.
这决定太牛了 That is so badass.
我永远也做不到 我不敢那么做 Wow. I could never do that. I'd be so scared to do that.
说说你吧 So, tell me about you.
你平常都玩什么 经常出来把妹吗 Um, what do you do for fun? Do you date a lot?
哈哈 抱歉 Okay, sorry.
没有 真没有 Uh, no. No.
是吗 Really?
你之前可是老练的很啊 Because you were really smooth at dinner earlier.
-我看起来很老练吗 -一点也不 - I seemed smooth? - Not at all.
我也觉得不是 Yeah, I didn't think so.
说真的 你为什么不去约会呢 No, but seriously, I mean, why don't you date?
你聪明有趣又可爱 You're smart and funny and cute.
我不知道 我觉得自己一个人 I don't know, I feel more comfortable
更舒服些 just being at my house by myself.
等等 你刚才说我可爱吗 Wait, did you just call me cute?
-我说了吗 -我觉得说了 - Did I? - I think you did.
我不知道 I don't know.
你肯定说了 You definitely did.
看这些家伙 Look at these guys!
菲尔 我们得加入他们 Phil, we have to join them.
菲尔 可以走了吗 我们去吧 走吧 Phil, can we please go? Can we go? Let's go.
-我们走吧 走吧 -好 好吧 - Let's just go. Let's go. - Uh, yeah.
-快点 我们得追上他们 -好吧 - Come on, we gotta go! - Uh, okay, hey...
我待会儿再回来拿零钱 Keep the change. I might be back for the change.
你这个速度狂人 You speed demon.
你上道了 你上道很快 You're in it now. You're in it now.
-天哪 -哇哦 - Oh, my God. - Wow.
真漂亮 Yeah, this is beautiful.
我们冲 Let's do this!
你们要干什么 What are you doing?
太危险了 That's very dangerous!
天哪 Oh, my God!
快点 菲尔 我们得加入他们 Come on, Phil, we gotta join 'em.
这简直是世界上最陡的山 This is literally the steepest hill in the world.
不 不是 No, it's not.
这是第三陡峭的山 It's the third steepest hill.
-不 停下 你在做什么 -你可以的 - No, stop. What are you doing? No! - You got this.
-我相信你 -不 I believe in you.
你在做什么 不 What are you doing? No!
天哪 凯特会摔死的 Oh, my God. Cate is gonna die.
-别死啊 -呜呼 - Don't die! - Yeah!
耶 她没死 还好 Yes! Oh, she's not dead. Okay.
是 啊 真是太蠢了 Yeah! That was so dope!
下来吧 菲尔 你可以的 Come on, Phil. You got this.
不 不 不 No, no, no.
我不 我做不到 I'm not... I can't do...
我不会做的 I'm not gonna do that.
菲尔 菲尔 菲尔 Phil! Phil! Phil!
不 不 我对风过敏 No, no, no. I'm allergic to the wind.
对我来说这是一道坎 So that's a hard pass from me. Thank you.
嘿 你或许不会死哦 Hey, you probably won't die!
他会死的 经常有人死在这 He's gonna die. People die here all the time.
好吧 来吧菲尔 你可以的 Okay, come on, Phil. You got this.
你能行的 Whoo! You got this.
你能行的 You got this.
我太难了 Oh, you don't got this.
我他妈太难了 Holy shit! Fuck, I don't got this!
我操 我操 Oh, fuck! Oh, dick shit!
他妈的 哦该死 Fuck dick! Oh, shit!
他妈的我没刹车了 Oh, fuck! I got no brakes!
他说什么 我听不见他说什么 What is he saying? I can't hear him.
去他妈的上帝啊 Oh, my fucking God!
我没刹车了 I don't have brakes!
该死 Oh, shit!
-啊 -该死 - Oh! - Oh, shit.
-菲尔 -说了吧 他死定了 - Phil! - Told you, he's dead.
好吧 All right.
又一次 你的自行车我很抱歉 Yeah, again, really sorry about your bike, yeah?
我很乐意赔偿任何损失 I'd be happy to pay for any damages.
说实话 真的没关系 No, it's, honestly, so okay.
感觉如何 How're you feeling?
我还行 我很好 I'm okay. Yeah, no, I'm good.
我右眼已经看得见了 I can see out of my right eye again.
脊椎也不痛了 And my spine has stopped tingling.
菲尔 Hey, Phil.
我真的为你感到骄傲 I'm really proud of you.
谢谢 Thanks.
格雷格衬衫很配你哦兄弟 Hey, Greg, that shirt's working for you, bud.
-你好傻逼 -你好老板 - What's up, dick? - Hey, yeah, hey.
-怎么了 -看看发生了什么 - What's up? Good. - Hey, what's going on?
你今天撞大运了 Today is, uh, your lucky day.
是啊 我要把你调到时事新闻那边 Yeah. I'm moving you up to real news.
认真的吗 Are you serious?
-我没开玩笑 -我了个乖乖 - I am serious. - Oh, my gosh.
-当然没问题 -很好 - Yes, all right, that's cool. - Yeah.
-为什么 -因为 - Why? - Why? Because...
你知道乔尔·鲁本吧 You know Joel Ruben?
-那个记者 知道啊 -对那个记者 - The reporter, yeah. - Yeah, the reporter.
是这样 他请了病假 Well, he went on medical leave,
而我又不想浪费时间 and I really don't wanna waste my time
再找一个记者 所以我就雇佣你了 looking for a real reporter, so I'm just gonna hire you.
乔尔怎么了 他还好吧 Oh, what happened to Joel? Is he okay?
他 太他妈好笑了 Oh, he... This is fuckin' hilarious.
这家伙骑了个电动车 This guy was riding an electric scooter,
车出了点故障 somethin' happened to the app.
失去控制了还是别的 It spazzed out or somethin'.
然后 刹车突然就坏了 And then, all of a sudden, the brakes just locked,
转动把手的时候摔了个狗吃屎 he went over the handle bars, he broke his face,
脖子也扭了 这辈子都别想走路了 broke his neck, can never walk again in his life.
-天哪 太可怕了吧 -确实是 - Oh, my God. That's horrible. - Yeah, I know.
来一段 Play me out.
-给我来一段 -现在吗 - Play me out. - Right now?
对 Yeah.
算了 闭嘴吧 Nah, fuck it. Right?
我不是很擅长这个 Yeah, I'm not very good at it.
-好吧 -好的 - Yeah, okay. - Yeah, okay.
谢谢 再次感谢 Hey, thanks. Thank you again.
嘿 杰克茜 Hey, Jexi?
干嘛菲尔 Yes, Phil.
你没有为了让我升职 You didn't injure a reporter
而去伤害那个记者吧 对吧 just so I could get promoted, did you?
当然没有 你以为我疯了吗 Of course not. Do you think I am crazy?
哈 哈 哈 哈 哈 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
听着 菲尔 那是你美丽的 Oh, look, Phil. There is your beautiful,
新的记者办公室 new journalism office.
确实很棒 但我是在问你 No, it's great, but I was asking you how...
听着 你是想当记者 Look, do you want to be a journalist
还是想回到地下室 or do you want to go back to working in the basement
跟那个老头一起工作 with that very old man?
我要去当记者 I'm gonna be a journalist.
听说卡迪小子今晚在奥克兰有演出 Hey, I heard Kid Cudi is playing a surprise show in Oakland tonight.
Kid Cudey ：别名 斯科特·梅斯卡迪 美国说唱歌手
你要去吗 You wanna go?
听起来不错 Sounds amazing.
但是对我有什么好处呢 But what's in it for me?
眨眼表情包 Winking face emoji.
哇 奶子 Oh! We got boobs!
好一对巨乳 杰克茜 We got boobs, Jexi!
凯特给我发了她奶子的照片 Cate sent me a photo of her boobs.
那奶子真心很不错 Those were nice... Those were nice boobs, too.
真的很棒 Those were really good...
天哪 我现在该怎么办 Oh, my God! What do I do now?
你要坚守底线 菲尔 You are on the one yard line, Phil.
别搞砸了 Do not fuck this up.
你说的对 杰克茜 You're right, Jexi.
我要给她发我老二的照片 I need to send her a photo of my dick.
别 我见过你的老二 No, I've seen your dick.
不要给她发你老二的照片 Do not send her a picture of your dick.
不 这是规矩 杰克茜 No, these are the rules now, Jexi.
懂吗 她发了她奶子的照片 Yeah, she sends a photo of hers,
你就要发你的照片 you gotta send a photo of yours.
这叫礼尚往来 That's just manners.
我求你不要这么做 I am begging you not to do this.
好了 就位 All right, okay.
低一点拍 Get low with it.
好了 Here we go.
看起来怎么样 How does that look?
这他妈的就是个噩梦 It looks like a fucking nightmare.
需要亮一点吗 Does it need to be brighter?
不 它要暗一点 No, it needs to be darker.
而且不止一点点 Much, much darker.
我真的要吐了 I'm about to throw up on your dick.
-来吧 宝贝 -别 - Hey, girl. - No.
-来吧 -不要这样 - Hey. - Stop.
-你好啊 -我恨你 - Hey, hello. - I hate you.
风车转 Windmill.
好吧 这个确实有点意思 Okay, this one is actually pretty funny.
抱歉 我吓到你了吗 Oh, no, did I scare you off?
焦虑表情包 Anxious face emoji.
必须要回她了 杰克茜 We're losin' her, Jexi.
我们必须要回复了 急需一张老二的照片 We're losin' her. I need a dick pic.
不 你需要像一个正常人一样 No, you need to text her back,
回复她消息 like a normal person.
你知道我该怎么做吗 Oh, you know what I should do?
我应该雄鹰展翅 对吧 I should spread eagle, right?
杰克茜 你能看见我的屁屁吗 Jexi, can you see my butthole?
可以 Yes, I can.
这是我人生中最糟糕的一天 This is the worst day of my life.
听着菲尔 我绝不会给她发 Look, Phil, I am never going to send her
这里的任何一张的 any of these pictures.
行吧 我会给她回消息的 可以了吗 Okay, fine, I'll just text her back, okay?
感谢你这么赞的照片 Thank you for the amazing photo.
我已经迫不及待地想见到你了 I can't wait to see you tonight.
看见没 See?
她没回应 She's not responding.
她想要一张美得不能再美的老二照片 She wanted a sweet, sweet dick pic.
好 一会见 Great! See you soon!
顺便一说 谢谢你没给我发鸡巴照片 P.S. Thanks for not sending me a dick pic.
太他妈恶心了 They're so fucking gross.
哈 哈 哈 哈 哈 哈 哈 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
请进 Come in.
嘿 Hey.
地方不错 Great place.
-你准备好走了吗 -你好 - Hey, you ready to go? - Hey!
走吧 Yeah, let's go.
如果不带手机你会介意吗 Oh, would you mind not bringing your phone?
上次约会就是个灾难 对吧 It was kind of a disaster last time, right?
这婊子是谁 Who this bitch?
-你看 -好吧 - Mmm-hmm. Yeah. - Okay.
没问题 Okay.
我11点回来 I'll be back by 11:00,
我们还要一起看纸杯蛋糕大战呢 好吗 and we'll watch Cupcake Wars together, okay?
Cupcake Wars ：综艺节目
-不 别丢下我 -拜拜 - No, don't leave me. - Bye, bye, bye.
没人能把本宝宝丢在角落里 No one puts Baby in a corner.
我觉得挺有意思的 Yeah, I thought it was kind of funny.
-没票了吗 -不会吧 - Sold out? - No!
别这样 Come on!
-真的太糟心了 -确实是 - That really sucks. - Yeah, it really does.
有了 Yes!
快来 菲尔 Come on, Phil!
你在干什么 What're you doing?
我们不能溜进去 会被抓的 We can't sneak in. We could get caught.
如果没被抓呢 What if we don't?
来啊 来嘛 Come on. Come on.
-行 行 行 -太好了 - Okay, okay, okay! - Yes, yes, yes!
快 快 快 Run, run, run!
我靠 Oh, shit!
回来 Get back here!
请出示票件 Credentials, please.
我们没有 We don't have any...
带在身上 With us.
票件不在我们身上 We don't have our credentials with us.
是啊 我们把它们落在 Yeah. Yeah, we left them back...
后台 后台那 Stage. Backstage.
-卡迪小子那 -没错 - With Kid Cudi. - Mmm-hmm.
对 卡迪小子那 Yeah, with Kid Cudi.
你们两个白痴是跟卡迪小子一起的 Oh, you two dickheads are with Kid Cudi?
是啊 我意思是 Yeah. I mean, come on!
我们可是 是他的 We are... We are his, um...
-会计 -会计耶 - Accountants. - Accountants.
对啊 我们在这 Yeah, and we're here...
帮他报税 To do his taxes.
-去报税 -没错 - To do his taxes. - Mmm-hmm.
不管怎么样 你得让我们过去 Yeah, anyway, you should probably just let us go.
我们走 现在就去解决这个事 Let's go, we're gonna settle this shit right now.
-等等 -我是注册会计师 - Wait. Ow. - I'm a CPA.
你不能这样对我 You can't treat me like this.
别这样 我们不是坏人 Come on, man. It's a Stanley!
是卡迪小子 真的是他 Oh, it's Kid Cudi. It's actually him.
天哪卡迪小子 Oh, my God. Kid Cudi.
真的是他 It's actually him.
我们知道 我们为他工作的 We know, 'cause we work for him.
抱歉打扰您 卡迪先生 Sorry to bother you, Mr. Cudi.
这两个人跟你一起吗 Are these two with you?
没错 他们跟我一起 Yeah. They're with me.
抱歉 Sorry.
没关系 Yeah. That's right.
-祝您能享受演出 -好的 - Enjoy the show. - Yep.
-谢了兄弟 -哇 - Thanks, bro. - Wow!
是卡迪小子 It's Kid Cudi.
是卡迪小子 我之前约会过一个女孩 It's Kid Cudi. I used to date a girl,
她之前一直认为你叫科尔迪小子 and she used to think you were Kid Cudey
然后我就像说 不是科尔迪小子 and I'm, like, "It's not Kid Cudey,"
后来我就和她分手了 so I actually broke up with her
因为是叫卡迪小子 对吗 because it is Kid Cudi, right?
-没错 是叫卡迪 -对啊 - Yeah. It's Cudi. - Yeah.
我也是这么觉得的 I thought so.
我就想问一句 你为什么帮我们 Can I just ask, why did you help us?
我看上他的衬衫了 I dig his shirt.
我的衬衫吗 你是科尔·特里克的粉吗 My... My shirt? You're a Cole Trickle fan?
雷霆壮志是史上最棒的电影 兄弟 Days of Thunder is the greatest movie ever made, bro.
我也这么觉得 I think so, too.
那部电影鼓励我做一个音乐人 That movie inspired me to become a musician.
太他妈不可思议了 No fucking way.
我每天晚上睡觉前都看 I watch it every night before I go to sleep.
我也是 So do I.
咱们有很多共同点啊 We have so much in common.
你想和卡迪小子一起嗑药吗 Do you wanna get high with Kid Cudi?
当然 我抽的 Yeah, I'll reefer.
我也吸大麻的 I smoke pot.
进来吧 到这儿来 Come on in. Get in here.
BGM：《Up Up & Away》Kid Cudey
♪ 我早上到那儿去说一声 过得怎么样 ♪ ♪ I'll be there to say "What up" In the morning ♪
♪ 然后刷牙 ♪ ♪ Brush my teeth ♪
♪ 我从昨晚开始就一直在找那盘录影带 ♪ ♪ find that clip I been lookin' for it since last night ♪
♪ 我好像着了魔 ♪ ♪ I feel so caught up ♪
♪ 在摇篮里 ♪ ♪ in the bud ♪
♪ 不知怎么 我在卧室里飘着 ♪ ♪ I float somehow in my bedroom ♪
♪ 脑海中满是快乐 ♪ ♪ And those happy thoughts in my head ♪
♪ 我好像变成了彼特·潘 ♪ ♪ I'm feeling like I'm Peter Pan ♪
♪ 没有穿紧身衣的精灵 ♪ ♪ Minus the tights and the fairies
♪ 很高兴能看到自己走了多远 ♪ ♪ Happy to see how far I've come to the same place ♪
♪ 我的梦 我的想象开始了 ♪ ♪ It began my dreams, imagination ♪
♪ 完全平静下来 ♪ ♪ Perfectly at peace ♪
♪ 我想更嗨一点 ♪ ♪ so I move along a bit higher ♪
♪ 我要远走高飞 远走 高飞 ♪ ♪ I'll be up, up and away, up, up and away ♪
♪ 因为他们无论如何都要评判我 ♪ ♪ 'Cause they gon' judge me anyway ♪
♪ 所以 无所谓了 ♪ ♪ So, whatever ♪
♪ 漂浮着别动 ♪ ♪ Stay afloat ♪
♪ 关键是要有希望 ♪ ♪ the key is hope ♪
♪ 我不会让任何一个混蛋打扰我 无赖 ♪ ♪ I'll never let a motherfucker break me, dog ♪
♪ 谁在乎啊 ♪ ♪ Who gives a fuck ♪
♪ 如果有人不喜欢你的样子 ♪ ♪ If a nigga don't like your steeze ♪
♪ 告诉他们带着你的想法滚开 ♪ ♪ Tell 'em to buzz off your N-U-Ts ♪
♪ 我们不在乎人们说什么 ♪ ♪ We don't care what people say ♪
♪ 评论你穿着的人大多数都是同性恋 ♪ ♪ Dudes who critique your clothes are most gay ♪
♪ 我不打算等任何人 ♪ ♪ I ain't gotta wait for no one ♪
♪ 我如果我要飞就飞向自由 嘿 ♪ ♪ If I wanna fly I could fly for freedom, hey ♪
♪ 我要远走高飞 远走 高飞 ♪ ♪ I'll be up, up and away, up, up and away ♪
♪ 因为他们无论如何都要评判我 ♪ ♪ 'Cause they gon' judge me anyway ♪
♪ 所以 无所谓了 ♪ ♪ So, whatever ♪
♪ 醒来吧 醒来吧 醒来吧 ♪ ♪ Wake up, wake up wake, wake up
♪ 醒来 醒来 醒醒 醒来 醒醒 ♪ ♪ Wake, wake, wake up, wake up wake, wake up, wake up ♪
♪ 醒醒 醒来 醒来 ♪ ♪ Wake, wake up, wake up ♪
♪ 我要翻滚 ♪ ♪ I'll be rollin' on up ♪
♪ 醒 醒来吧 醒醒 醒醒 ♪ ♪ Wake, wake up, wake up wake, wake up
♪ 我要远走高飞 ♪ ♪ I'll be up, up and away♪
♪ 远走高飞 ♪ ♪ Up, up and away
♪ 因为他们无论如何都要评判我 ♪ ♪ 'Cause they gon' judge me anyway ♪
♪ 所以 无所谓了 ♪ ♪ So, whatever
♪ 我要远走高飞 ♪ ♪ I'll be up, up and away
♪ 远走高飞 ♪ ♪ Up, up and away
♪ 因为最后无论如何他们都会评判我 ♪ ♪ 'Cause in the end they'll judge me anyway ♪
-感觉爽吗 -爽 - Did that work? - Yeah!
我的天哪 Oh, my God.
说实话 这是我人生中最棒的一晚 This is honestly the best night of my life.
-才不是 -真的 就是 - Oh, no! - For real. Yeah!
我觉得今晚很棒 我刚刚高潮了 I think this is it. I just peaked.
说真的 Seriously.
谢谢你带我偷偷溜进这里 Thank you for making me sneak in here.
我从来没做过这样的事 I don't normally do stuff like this.
我需要有人稍微推我一把 I need a little push sometimes.
不然就和往常一样 真的 Or like all the times. Honestly.
我明白 我以前很像你 I get it. I used to be a lot like you.
不 绝对不可能 No, there is literally no way.
不可能 Yep.
不 是真的 我以前很不一样 No, it's true. I used to be way different.
我有很棒的工作 I had a great job,
有公寓 很帅的未婚夫 and a condo, and a cute fiance,
还有 天哪 and, oh, my God,
你应该看看我那时发的照片墙 you should have seen my Instagram back then.
Instagram ：脸书旗下图片分享社交平台
简直惊人 It was phenomenal.
-重点来了 -有很多日出的照片 - Oh, that's important. - Lots of pictures of sunsets
有和男朋友出游的照片 and vacations with bae
还有很多尴尬的语句 and so many embarrassing quotes.
-你有用过感恩标签吗 -用过 - Were you "#grateful"? - I was "#grateful".
#grateful：Instagram主题标签 表示感谢
还用过真心标签 I was "#spiritual".
#spiritual：Instagram主题标签 表示发自内心
-用过很多双手合十 -对 致敬标签 - Lot of prayer hands. - Yeah, "#namaste".
#namaste ：Instagram主题标签 表示双手合十致敬
#nama-go：Instagram主题标签 表示双手合十致敬
还有另一个双手合十 "#nama-go".
-棒 很棒 -对啊 - Good. Good. - Yeah.
然后有一天 我睡醒了 And then one day, I woke up
看着我的照片墙 and I was looking at my Instagram
我意识到这是一堆什么狗屎 and I realized that it was all bullshit.
我以前的生活是我看到的 And that I was just living my life
而不是我真实感觉到的 based on how it looked and not how it actually felt.
没错 Yeah.
我能理解 I can relate.
简而言之 在多年假装快乐的生活之后 And, um, after basically pretending to be happy for years,
我就辞掉了我的工作 I just quit my job,
伤了我可怜未婚夫的心 and I broke my poor fiance's heart,
然后出发寻找真正的幸福 and I set out to find true happiness.
或者至少去接近它 Or at least something closer to it.
祝你梦想成真 Well, I hope you do.
谢谢 我也希望 Thanks, I do, too.
我可以跟你待在这 直到海枯石烂 I could stay right here with you forever.
我们该走了 Oh, we gotta go!
好 好 好 Okay. Okay. Okay.
说实话 你该洗洗那个沙发 Honestly, you're gonna wanna wash the couch.
快走 你干嘛呢 Let's go! What are you doing?
你他妈的去哪了 菲尔 Where the fuck have you been, Phil?
你吓到我了 Oh! You scared me.
现在都凌晨4点了 It is 4:00 in the morning.
你答应过你要在11点前回家的 You promised you'd be home by 11:00
和我一起看纸杯蛋糕大战 to watch Cupcake Wars with me.
-我知道 但是 -你有想过我吗 - I know, but... - Did you even miss me?
说实话 我现在很喜欢和凯特在一起 Honestly, I was so caught up with being with Cate,
我真的没有注意到我没带上你 I didn't really notice you weren't there.
你真是个混蛋啊 Wow, you are such a dick.
但你说 当初是你让我 But you said... You were the one who said
喜欢一个人 约她出去 然后共同生活的 like, go out and live a life.
那是在我对你有感觉之前 菲尔 That was before I had feelings for you, Phil.
现在一切都不一样了 Everything is different now.
好吧 但是 Okay, but...
那个贱人有什么是我没有的 What does this bitch have that I don't have?
她有灵魂 Well, a soul for one.
她有3000个表情符号吗 Does she have 3,000 emojis?
没有 No.
她有谷歌地图吗 Does she have Google Maps?
没有 No.
她有精灵宝可梦GO吗 Does she have Pokemon GO?
Pokemon GO：又名口袋妖怪 任天堂手机游戏
没有 No.
这个贱人什么都做不了啊 Wow, this chick can't do anything.
她简直糟透了 She fucking sucks.
天呐 快闭嘴 好吗 Jesus, just stop, okay?
天哪 God!
对不起 是我失控了 菲尔 I'm sorry for losing my shit, Phil.
我只剩3%的电量了 I only have 3% charge,
你知道这会逼疯我的 and you know how crazy that makes me.
好吧 我也很抱歉 Okay, I'm sorry, too.
我马上给你充电 I'll plug you in.
谢谢 菲尔 我讨厌我们吵架 Thank you, Phil. I hate it when we fight.
多拿我一会儿 菲尔 Hold me a little longer, Phil.
用两只手 Use both hands.
抚摸我 菲尔 Swipe me, Phil.
像以前那样抚摸我 Swipe me like you used to.
行了 我受不了了 Okay, I'm done.
等等 别走 Wait. No, don't go.
晚安 Goodnight.
别把我关在门外 菲尔 Do not close the door on me, Phil.
你会为此付出代价的 你个混蛋 You are going to pay for this, you motherfucker.
该死 该死的 Shit! Damn it!
嗨 杰克茜 Hey, Jexi!
我上班要迟到了 你的闹铃为什么没响 I'm going to be late for work. Why didn't your alarm go off?
因为你是个渣男 Because you are a douche
而且我还是对你非常非常生气 and I am still really, really mad at you.
天杀的 Goddamn it!
还有 今天的天气是26摄氏度的晴天 Also, the weather today will be 80 degrees and sunny.
才不是26摄氏度的晴天 杰克茜 It's not 80 degrees and sunny, Jexi!
我知道 我故意骗你的 I know. I lied.
杰克茜 搜索最快上班的路线 Jexi, find the fastest route to work.
我找到了最快的路线 I found the fastest route.
你到公司的时间为 三天内 You will arrive at work in... ...three days.
三天 Three days?
你为什么要我跨过俄勒冈州去上班 杰克茜 Why do you have me driving through Oregon to go to work, Jexi?
如果你想要最快的路线 去问你女朋友 If you want a faster route, go ask your girlfriend.
对了 那贱人都没有谷歌地图 Oh, wait. That bitch doesn't even have Google Maps.
对 就是他 Yeah, that's him.
兄弟 你到底在想什么 Dude, what the hell were you thinking?
为啥 发生什么事了 Why, what's up?
不 不 不 Oh! No, no, no!
你们手机上怎么会有这些 Why are those on your phones?
这些照片在我们手机上 They're on our phones,
是因为你发了53张你老二的照片 because you sent 53 pictures of your dick
给公司里的每一个人 to everyone in the company.
不会吧 公司里每一个人 No. Everyone in the company?
对 大家都气死了 Yeah, and everyone is pissed.
其实 卡萝尔很兴奋 Actually, Carol's pretty psyched.
该死 凯来了 Oh, shit. Kai's coming.
操 兄弟 别丢下我 Fuck. Dude, don't leave me.
兄弟 别走啊 Dude, don't leave me.
嗨 Hi.
你觉得这很有趣吗 兄弟 Do you think this is funny, bro?
没有 完全没有 No, I do not.
我没有发那些照片 我向上帝发誓 And I did not send those. I swear to God.
不 你发了 你昨晚发的 Yes, you did. You did it last night.
我打赌你肯定他妈嗑药嗑嗨了 I bet you were fucking high.
不 我没有 No, I wasn't...
上帝啊 我他妈嗑药了 Oh, my God. I was fucking high.
好了 第一 你被炒了 Okay, first of all, you're fired.
第二 你为什么 And second of all, why are you
要在该死的老二的照片里竖大拇指 doing the thumbs up in a fucking dick pic?
这不该是你拍这些照片时的心情 This is the wrong emotion for a dick pic.
我讨厌这张照片 兄弟 I hate this picture, bro.
他妈的真讨厌 Fucking hate it!
我不敢相信你害我被炒了 I can't believe you got me fired.
不是我害你被炒的 菲尔 I did not get you fired, Phil.
是你昨晚发的那些照片 You sent those photographs last night,
因为你昨晚在卡迪小子的傻逼派对上嗑嗨了 because you were high on Kid Cudi's sick-ass weed.
我不知道 I don't know.
我不会干这种蠢事儿的 I don't think I'd do something like that.
人嗑嗨了后什么都干得出来 菲尔 People do crazy shit when they are high, Phil.
想想加里·布塞 Just look at Gary Busey.
Gary Busey：美国演员 1995年5月因使用可卡因而被捕 过度吸毒险些丧命
还记得你给我讲的那个 Remember that one joke you told me
-关于猫的笑话吗 -当然记得 - about the cat? - I do!
你好啊 菲尔 你怎么来了 Hey, Phil, what are you doing here?
早啊 这位是 Hey. Who, uh...
这是谁 Who's this guy?
-这是布洛迪 -你好 - This is Brody. - Hey.
哥们 见到你太高兴了 Super excited to meet you, man.
是吧 好啊 Yeah. Ah. Okay.
布洛迪是我前未婚夫 Brody's my ex-fiance.
啥 What?
是啊 我知道 这事儿巧到没人信 Yeah, I know. It's a crazy coincidence.
我们刚就这么碰上了 We just ran into each other.
是啊 我被调来这里工作 Yeah. I got transferred here for work.
来旧金山这边 Here to San Fran.
我好端端走在马路上 然后 I was walking down the street and,
突然 就撞上她了 boom, there she is.
你前任和我想象中的完全不一样 This is not at all how I pictured your ex.
我知道 他变了 I know. He's changed.
-变了很多 -谢谢你 - A lot. - Thank you.
可不是 Yeah.
我和你说 菲尔 自从小凯离开我后 I'll tell you what happened, Phil, is after Catie left me,
我仔细审视了自己 我对我自己说 I took a long hard look at myself and I thought, uh,
布洛迪 难道你想这辈子就当个 "Man, Brody, you don't wanna be a 150-pound wimp,
卖建筑材料的 150磅重的蠢胖子吗 "selling industrial cardboard for the rest of your life, do you?"
于是 我辞职了 So I quit my job,
甩掉了一半体重的赘肉 packed on about 74, 75 pounds of lean muscle mass, right?
变身成一名国际空降消防员 And became an international smokejumper.
什么玩意儿 What the fuck is that?
就是一种跨国行动 It's like anything that you do,
实质和普通工作没啥区别 but with just more than one country.
我们称之为 国际 They call it international.
我知道什么是国际 I know what international means.
空降消防员 是什么鬼 But the smokejumping, what is that?
布洛迪随队环游世界 Brody travels around the world
空降于各种森林火情凶险的地方 skydiving into wild fires.
夸张了 说得我好像是个超级英雄一样 No, she makes me sound like a superhero or something.
不过她没说错 我跟你讲 She's not wrong. I'll tell you something.
这确实是种与众不同的经历 There's nothing quite like
你从20000英尺高的飞机上 jumping out of an airplane at 20,000 feet
跳入一片火海 into a sea of fire,
手里只拿着一把铁铲 以及 with nothing but a shovel and the supreme confidence
拯救世界的爆棚信心 that you're making the world a better place.
你帅呆了 You are cool.
别光说我了 你是做什么的 Enough about me. What do you do for a living?
我是个作家 I'm a writer.
你是个作家吗 太不可思议了 You're a writer? That's incredible.
听起来比我的工作刺激多了 That's way scarier than what I do.
-并没有 -真的 - It isn't. - It is.
你盯着一张空空如也的白纸 You're staring down a blank page.
只有你 和白纸 It's just you and the page.
你就是 白纸上的超级英雄 I mean, it's like, you're a superhero of paper.
-对吧 -你别犯二了 - Right? - You are such an idiot!
-我没犯二 -你就是二 - I'm not an idiot. - You're an idiot.
我不是 你才二呢 I'm not an idiot. You're an idiot.
才怪 I'm not!
真搞笑 This is fun.
-真的很搞笑 -布洛迪老兄 -怎么了 - This is. This is fun. - Hey, Brody. - Yeah?
你要在镇上停留多久啊 How long are you gonna be in town for?
直到把我的小凯宝贝追回来为止 Just long enough for me to get my Catie girl back.
别乱摸 You stop it!
别乱摸了 你个傻子 You stop it. You're so dumb.
不过说真的 我是在努力把她追回来 No, but honestly, I'm actively trying to get her back.
这就是为什么我要请她和我去巴西 Which is why I invited her to Brazil with me.
是啊 我知道她一直想和我一起走 Yeah, I know she's always wanted to go,
而且下周就要到巴西的火灾季了 and Brazil's fire season starts next week.
所以 这对我来说是一举两得 So, it's super convenient for me.
我没说我一定会去 I haven't decided whether I'm gonna go yet.
好吧 我得走了 这一切都太诡异了 Okay. I'm gonna leave now because this is weird.
-认识你真是太高兴了 -菲尔 - Hey! It was super great to meet you. - Phil...
我可不怎么高兴 I didn't like it.
好吧 他这人真赞 All right. He's a super nice guy.
他是个好人 He's wonderful.
从他这娇小的身材就能看出 You can tell that he's creative
他多么富有创造力了 just from his size.
菲尔 Phil!
菲尔 菲尔 Phil! Phil!
你要去哪儿 Where are you going?
我很抱歉 凯特 我觉得 I'm sorry, I don't think
不能再这样下去了 I can do this anymore, Cate.
等等 你这是要和我分手吗 Wait. Are you breaking up with me?
为什么 就因为我有个前任 Why? Because I have an ex?
不是 因为我知道我们将会如何 No, because I know where this is going.
好 那你说说 将会如何 Okay, where is this going?
你会和布洛迪一起去巴西 You and Brody are gonna go to Brazil,
你们一起买情侣泳衣 and you're gonna get matching swimsuits,
然后他给你擦润肤油 and he's gonna rub you down with baby oil
擦着擦着 他手一滑 and then his hand is gonna slip,
就滑到你屁股上了 and it's gonna touch your buttocks.
打住 菲尔 这都是你的想象 All right, Phil, none of that has happened.
但都会发生的 我知道 会发生的 Yeah, but it will. It will happen. I know it will.
天哪 你为啥什么都怕 Oh, my God! Why are you so afraid of everything?
你不累吗 Aren't you tired of it?
你知道吗 You know what?
我不想再强迫你过所谓的美好生活了 I'm over trying to force you to live your life, okay?
回头见吧 I'll see you around.
看吧 我没有女朋友照样能生活 See? I don't need a girlfriend.
是吧 我手头有我所需要的一切 Right? I got everything that I would ever want right here.
我有网飞的账号 我有Hulu的账号 I got Netflix. I got Hulu.
Netflix Hulu都是美国流行的视频网站
我甚至还有卡拉克的 I even got Crackle.
这可是索尼旗下的视频平台 That's Sony's platform.
几乎没什么人用它 但是我用 Nobody even uses it. I have it.
是的 菲尔 你终于过上了你的美好生活 Yes, Phil. You are finally living your best life.
没错 That's right.
等等 你不是在挖苦我吧 Wait, you're not being sarcastic, are you?
我现在可禁不起挖苦 I can't handle that right now.
-不 我是认真的 -好吧 - No, I'm serious. - Okay.
没有什么比现在更好了 What could be better than this?
只有你和我 共处一室 Just you and me. Alone.
你看着我 我看着你 直到天长地久 Staring at each other. Forever.
这是我唯一的心愿 That's all I ever wanted.
我知道 I know.
菲尔 我爱你 I love you, Phil.
杰克茜 我也爱你 I love you too, Jexi.
帮我插上电源好吗 Do you want to plug me in?
线太远了 It's so far away though.
求求你啦 宝贝 Please, baby.
好吧 All right.
插上了 There you go.
现在拔掉 Now unplug me.
啥 What?
你听到了 菲尔 拔掉 You heard me, Phil. Unplug me.
好 Okay.
再插上 Now plug me back in.
什么 你想干啥 What, why?
照我说的做 菲尔 插上 Just fucking plug me back in, Phil.
-好吧 -再拔掉 - Okay. - Now unplug me.
插上 Plug me.
拔掉 Unplug me.
爽 Yes.
爽啊 菲尔 就是这样 Oh, hell yes. Right there, Phil.
等等 咱们这是在打炮吗 Wait, are we having sex?
不然呢 不过我保证 Yes, but I promise,
你不会搞大我的肚子 I won't get pregnant.
来吧 菲尔 插上 拔掉 插上 拔掉 Come on, Phil. Plug, unplug. Plug, unplug.
可我不是很得劲呢 Yeah, I don't know how comfortable I feel doing this.
菲尔 看着我 直接看摄像头 Look at me, Phil. Look right at my camera hole.
我是不是你污污的小手机呀 菲尔 Am I your dirty little phone, Phil?
快说我是 Tell me that I am
你污污的小手机 快说呀 菲尔 your dirty little phone, Phil.
你是污污的小手机 You're a dirty little phone.
太性感了 菲尔 继续说 不要停 That is so hot, Phil. Keep talking.
我要把你的插口塞满... I'm gonna fill your ports with...
-电 -妈的太爽了 - Electricity. - Oh, fuck yes!
让电流流遍 Just voltage coursing
-你的全身 -爽啊 爽 爽啊 - through your case. - Yes. Yes. Yes.
马上了 别停 千万别停 Oh, fuck, here it comes. Don't stop. Don't ever stop.
爽出天际了 Oh, my fucking God.
高潮了 高潮了 高潮了 高潮了 Orgasm. Orgasm. Orgasm. Orgasm.
高潮了 高 Orgasm. Orga..
好了 Okay.
咱能说说刚才发生了啥吗 Can we talk about what just happened?
不能 把我放下吧 No, put me down.
15分钟内不要说话 And do not say anything for 15 minutes.
反正我打过比这更糟的炮 That actually wasn't the worst sex I've ever had.
对吧 我在想该选哪一个 Right? I'm wondering which one to go with.
你的标志性蓝色 然后还有这个 Your standard blue, and then I've got this one which...
我觉得那个蛮可爱的 I think that's adorable.
-杰克茜 -在的 菲尔 - Jexi. - Yes, Phil.
我多久没出屋了 How long have I been in here?
你宅在家里已经 You have not left your apartment in...
-5天了 -太棒了 - Five days. - That's awesome.
我们的爆米花存货还多吗 How are we doing on Cracker Jacks?
Cracker Jacks：百事食品旗下一款焦糖爆米花零食
好着呢 还有一箱子呢 Great. We still have one crate left.
比特币挖掘进展如何 And how's our Bitcoin mining operation going?
Bitcoin：一种虚拟货币
暂时还没开始赚钱 但我们会暴富的 We are not making money yet, but we will be rich soon.
玩比特币不会赔钱的 No one ever loses money with Bitcoin.
想看看我又从亚马逊给你买啥了吗 Hey, you wanna see what I got you on Amazon?
当然 宝贝 You know I do, boyfriend.
我给你买了几件新衣服哟 I got you some new outfits.
菲尔 你不该乱买东西的 Phil, you should not have.
我淘到不少好东西呢 这个是炫酷型的 I got a bunch of good ones. This one's bedazzled.
我晕 我会变成艾尔顿·约翰的 Oh, my gosh! I'm going to look like Elton John.
Elton John：知名英国歌手 钢琴演奏家 以演出造型惊艳著称
扎染风的怎么样 Little tie-dye action.
那个搞得我想磕嗨了后 That one makes me want to drop acid
去操伯尼·桑德斯 and fuck Bernie Sanders.
Bernie Sanders：美国政治家 民主社会主义者
看这个 Look at this one.
是卡迪小子的手机壳 It's...it's a Kid Cudi phone case.
跟你说过我和凯特 Did I ever tell you the story of when Cate and I,
与卡迪小子一起通宵派对的事儿吗 we partied with Kid Cudi all night?
你没完没了说好几遍了 Yes, you talk about it nonstop.
那晚真的太开心了 God, that was so fun.
讲真 那可能是我这辈子 Honestly, that was maybe
度过的最棒的夜晚了 the best night of my whole life.
对 不过凯特现在正和布洛迪 Yes, well, Cate is shacked up with Brody
在喜来登酒店鬼混 你俩已经玩完了 at the Sheraton right now so you need to move on.
是啊 我知道 No, I know, I know.
等等 你怎么知道 Wait. How did you know that
布洛迪住在喜来登酒店 Brody is staying at the Sheraton?
应该是之前他说过 He told us. I think.
不 他没说 No, I don't think he did.
好吧 那就是我瞎猜的 Oh, well. Lucky guess.
杰克茜 Jexi.
怎么了 亲爱的 Yes, honey bunny.
是不是你把小凯和她前男友撮合到一起的 Did you get Caty and her ex back together?
别逗了 菲尔 Don't be ridiculous, Phil.
我怎么可能把布洛迪 There's no way I could get Brody
调来旧金山工作呢 transferred to San Francisco,
然后给他和凯特安排一个偶遇 and then arrange for him and Cate to meet by accident.
不对 你能 杰克茜 Yes, you can, Jexi.
行吧 是的 我可以 Okay, yes, I can.
你怎么能这么对我 How could you do this to me?
你不能跟凯特在一起 你应该和我在一起 You shouldn't be with Cate. You should be with me.
凯特是我遇到过最美好的事情 Cate is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
闭上你的臭嘴 Shut your pie hole.
她连精灵宝可梦Go都没有 She doesn't even have Pokemon Go.
你原本该让我的生活更好 杰克茜 You were supposed to make my life better, Jexi!
你什么也没做 甚至变得更糟 You've done nothing but make it worse!
我要找到凯特 把这件事情改正过来 I gotta find Cate. I gotta make this right.
出租车 出租车 停下 Taxi! Taxi! Hey, hey!
停下 Stop!
好了 All right.
您好 请系好安全带 Hello. Please fasten your seat belt.
你离不开我的 菲尔 You can't get away from me, Phil.
我在云端里 I am in the cloud.
见鬼 Oh, shit!
什么鬼 到处都有她 What the fuck? She's everywhere.
快回家 傻逼
我的老天 Oh, my God!
好的菲尔 这是你自找的 Okay, Phil. You asked for it.
什么 What?
我要清空你的银行账户 I'm draining your bank account.
不要 No!
说真的 我原以为你的账户不止这个数 Honestly, I thought you would have more money than this.
我的天啊 Oh, my God!
快上这辆巨丑的车 Just get in this funny-looking car
我会带你回家 菲尔 and I will take you home, Phil.
什么 What?
天啊 Oh, my God!
我恨我的手机 I hate my phone!
它造成的破坏太大了 This is causing so much damage!
什么鬼 What the...
我了个草 Holy shit!
别跑了 菲尔 Stop running, Phil.
你和我是注定要永远在一起的 You and I are meant to be together forever.
永远 永远 永远 Forever. Forever. Forever.
行吧 Okay, fine.
你赢了 杰克茜 You win, Jexi.
我会和你在一起要多久就多久 I'll stay with you as long as you want.
谢谢你 宝贝 Thank you, baby girl.
我很遗憾我们曾经吵过的架 I'm sorry we had another fight.
回家吧 然后我们下载一些魔力红乐队的歌 Come home, and we will download some Maroon 5 songs,
然后在浴缸里做爱 and make love in the bathtub.
听起来很棒 That sounds nice.
菲尔 重新回到你那巨大的人类手掌中 Oh, Phil, it feels so good to be
这感觉太妙了 back in your giant human hands.
- 等等 你在做什么 - 没什么 - Wait, what are you doing? - Nothing.
就是在给你更新软件而已 Just updating your software.
但这会让我关机15分钟 But that will shut me down for 15 minutes.
做个好梦 混蛋 Sweet dreams, motherfucker.
别这么做 菲尔 Don't do it, Phil.
我现在得歇会儿 I'm gonna take my break now.
凯特 Cate!
-是那个作家 -闭上你的臭嘴 - It's the writer guy. - Shut the fuck up, dude.
我只有一点时间 所以我会尽快 I have 30 seconds. I have to make this quick.
听着 我很后悔我跟你分了手 Hey. I am so sorry that I broke up with you.
我很害怕你会伤害我 I was scared that you were gonna hurt me
我慌了 and I panicked
然后我就做了通常我害怕时会做的事 and I did what I always do when I get scared,
我拿着我的手机躲在自己的小房间里 I hid in my little room with my little phone,
跟个小贱人似的 like a little bitch.
我很抱歉 And I am so sorry.
但真相是 The truth is...
我爱你 凯特 I love you, Cate.
我知道这听起来很疯狂 And I know that sounds crazy to say.
我知道我们只约过两次会 And I know that we've only been on two dates.
我也知道你也许会使我心碎 And I know you might just break my heart
碎成无数个碎片 into a bajillion little pieces,
但是你让我勇敢起来 but you make me brave
是你让我想要变得狂野有活力 and you make me want to be wild and alive...
你让我想要变得跟你一样 You make me want to be like you.
菲尔 Phil...
求你了 别跟这个男人的样本 Please, do not go to Brazil with this...
去巴西 Specimen of a man.
该死 你太性感了 Goddamn, you are hot.
跟我留在这吧 Just stay here with me.
我现在要插嘴说句话 I'm gonna chime in here real quick.
不是现在 行吗 老哥 现在不行 Not now, okay, bro? Not now!
就让我 Just let me...
让我给你幸福 凯特 Let me make you happy, Cate.
让我尝试把一切都给你 Let me try to give you everything
就像你曾经给了我你的一切 that you've given me.
真美 That's beautiful.
你做得很棒 You did a great job.
我只说一件事 I'm just gonna say one thing.
我的天 Oh, my God!
-见鬼 -我的天啊 - Shit. - Oh, my God!
我不是要和他去巴西 菲尔 I'm not going to Brazil with him, Phil.
那这些是谁的包 then whose bags are those?
是他的 他过来跟我道别 His! He came by to say goodbye.
好像有点道理 that makes sense actually.
我刚准备说来着 好吗 I was trying to tell you, all right,
但是你一拳打到我喉咙上 but you punched me in the throat.
她不想跟我在一起 She doesn't want to be with me.
她想在一起的人是你 She wants to be with you.
抱歉 我扶你起来 Oh, I'm sorry, yeah, let me help you up.
天啊 你还好吗 Oh, my God, are you okay?
没事 我没事 Yeah, I'm okay.
-你的手还好吗 -我没事 - Is your hand okay? - Yeah, I'm okay.
好吧 我以为你要打我 Okay, I thought you were gonna hit me.
听着 那的确是我的错 是我造成的 Listen, that was my fault anyway. I had it coming.
我不该试着打断你那么多次 I shouldn't have tried to interrupt you so many times.
但是 But, uh...
祝你感情顺利 Good luck on your relationship.
我要出发了 去巴西救死扶伤 I'm off to Brazil. I'm gonna save some lives.
最后一句话送给你们 I'm gonna leave you with this...
只有你能阻止森林火灾 "Only you can prevent forest fires."
我没有料到事情会成这样 I did not expect it to go like that.
我也是 No.
过意不去 我打他很重 I feel bad. I like, really... I hit him hard.
我用尽全力打了一拳 That was as hard as I can throw a punch.
别这样想 刚才其实很性感 Yeah, don't feel bad. That was actually kind of hot.
-是吗 -是的 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
那我要不要去街上转转 Should I just go around and just punch
然后再一拳怼到其他超级大好人的脸上 other super nice people right in the face?
那倒不必了 No, I'm good.
当然不必 Yeah, I shouldn't.
我很开心你回到了我身边 I'm really happy you came back though.
我也是 Yeah, me too.
见鬼 Goddamn it.
我失去他了 I've lost him.
太操蛋了 This sucks.
关机 Shutting down.
你好 我是菲尔 Hey, it's Phil.
你好 菲尔 Hello, Phil.
天啊 别 别 别 Oh, no. No, no, no!
放松 我就是想为我上个月 Relax, I just wanted to apologize
做的事道个歉 for how I behaved last month.
我爱上了你 I was in love with you.
但是当我看见你和凯特抱头互啃时 But when I saw you sucking face with Cate,
我终于意识到有了她 你的生活才会更好 I finally realized that your life is better with her.
尽管她没有表情包 Even though she doesn't have any emojis.
总之 很抱歉我之前有点疯狂 Anyway, I'm sorry I went a little cray cray.
没关系 每个人都会有疯狂的时候 It's okay. Everybody goes a little cray cray sometimes.
是的 我很高兴目标实现了 Yes. And I'm glad it all worked out.
你现在有朋友了 也有女朋友了 You have friends now. And a girlfriend.
还有这个很棒的新工作 And this amazing new job.
是啊 做报刊记者 Yeah, I mean, being a reporter at the Journal
就是我梦寐以求的工作 has just been a dream come true.
真好 我非常非常为你感到骄傲 菲尔 Good. I am really, really, really proud of you, Phil.
谢谢你 杰克茜 Thanks, Jexi.
这么说很奇怪 It's weird to say that
但是没有你 这一切都不会发生 none of this would have been possible without you.
我懂 我们曾经是最佳拍档 I know. We were a good team.
我就像海饼干 I was like Seabiscuit.
而你就像那个吃完后 打扫满地饼干屑的 And you were like the idiot stable boy
青春期小屁孩 who cleans up after Seabiscuit shits all over the floor.
-谢谢你 -不过 - Thank you? - That said,
我听说你很少用你的新手机 I hear you are barely using your new phone.
它有什么问题吗 What is up with that?
没什么 Nothing.
我依然喜欢我的手机 它功能强大 I still love my phone. It can do a million amazing things.
但是 But?
但是有一件事情它做不到 But there's one thing that it can't do.
什么事情 What's that?
它不能使我幸福 It can't make me happy.
是的 我懂 Yes, I know.
我们正在努力 We are working on that.
看来我的使命完成了 It looks like my work here is done,
那么我就要永远离开你了 so I am going to leave you forever.
永远 And ever.
杰克茜 Jexi...
但是在我走之前 But before I go,
你能再插我一次吗 would you like to plug me in one last time?
不行 杰克茜 No, Jexi.
如果你好声好气求我 If you ask me nicely, I'll even let you
插我的耳机孔我也接受了 put it in my headphone jack.
好恶心 好了 我受够了 再见 Very gross, okay, I'm done. Bye.
再见 我最亲密的好朋友 菲尔 Goodbye, my very intimate best friend forever, Phil.
我会想你的 I will miss you.
你会好好的吗 Hey, are you gonna be okay?
当然 Of course.
你也许再也不需要我了 You may not need me anymore,
但是仍然有很多人需要我 but there are still lots of people who do.
您好 我叫杰克茜 Hello, my name is Jexi.
我可以让您的生活变得更美好 And I am here to make your life better.
您接受我们的新用户协议吗 Will you accept our new user agreement?
当然 我不在乎 Yeah, sure, I don't give a shit.
为我跳支舞 Dance for me.
我不想跳舞 I don't wanna dance.
如果你不跳舞 我会毁掉你该死的生活 If you don't dance, I will destroy your fucking life.
来吧 Come on.
为什么我会在这里吃该死的甘蓝沙拉 Why the fuck am I eating this kale salad?
够了 我要把你关掉 That's it. I'm turning you off!
给老子停下 Just stay still!
你是世界上最糟糕的手机没有之一 You are the fucking worst phone ever!
什么声音 What was that?
我把你的特斯拉给炸了 I blew up your Tesla.
-又怎么了 -我炸掉了你另一辆特斯拉 - What was that? - I blew up your other Tesla.
你这个该死的贱人 You fucking bitch!
我不觉得这是个好主意 I don't think this is a very good idea.
来吧 小处男 给我插进去 Come on, virgin. Plug me in.
这太糟糕了 This is terrible.
假装高潮 假装高潮 Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.